i'm one of those who reflect back on 2oo6 and wonder.

what the hell happened?

and heard there's another death in the family. why is it death after death plaguing my family.

edward told me stories about he and nicholas's encounters with chc. didn't sound very nice.

played with angel. haha. she's nuts about hopping over drains. then we went imm. haha. jared lost his phone. oh nicholas's hair is darn long and i think he came from school cos he was wearing the kitchen pants. ok i don't know if that made sense.

I know you think I'm holding you down
And I've fallen by the wayside now
And I don't understand the same things as you
But I do

Don't laugh at me
Don't look away

You'll follow me back
With the sun in your eyes
And on your own
Bedshaped
And legs of stone ..

- Bedshaped, Keane

Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed; neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame; for thou shall forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.

FOR THY MAKER IS THINE HUSBAND; the Lord of hosts is His name; and they Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall He be called.

For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.

For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee.

In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer.

...

O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires.

And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones.

...

In righteousness shalt thou be established; thou shalt be far from oppression; for thou shalt not fear: and from terror; for it shall not come near thee.

...

Behold, I have created the smith that bloweth the coals in the fire, and that brighteth forth an instrument for his work; and I have created the waster to destroy.

No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and everyt ongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord.

Isaiah 54:4-8, 11-12, 14, 16-17 (KJV)

sometimes we just expect breakthroughs to be one whereby God suddenly knocks you off your chair while you're typing on the computer and contemplating on your wrongs and tells you, "Child, you are hereby healed from whatever is holding you down! Get lost you wretched devil for you will no longer harrass my boy/girl anymore!" And angels will blow their heavenly trumpets in the background and suddenly you're in a serene sky-like surroundings and feel all pure and holy.

unfortunately it doesn't always happen that way. God doesn't shove it in your face no matter how much you want Him to.

breakthroughs can be little breakthroughs. it doesn't have to be all drama-mama. same like finding your purpose. sometimes you have to search. not all of them will be revealed in an awesome life-changing moment. some do, but some don't. and of course, you'll have to make the effort.

because God will move when you do, isn't it?

For every battle of the warrior is with confused noise, and garments rolled in blood; but this shall be with burning and fuel of fire. - Isaiah 9:5 (KJV)

bloodied and confused and burnt as we are. we're still fighting, aren't we? and how can we say that we've been faithful if we've never been tempted to be unfaithful? or how can we say that we love God if we've never been tempted to separate with Him..?

ahh my thoughts of the day.

before all this. i was fine being by myself. i thrived on loneliness.

but now it's so scary.

seeing couples around puts a punch to my gut because i think to myself. i had that once. now i'm all alone. i know i can have it again, but not now.

i know i'm called for something more, and i can't move on if i keep on this way and putting him before Him.

i must have typed this kind of entry dozens and dozens of times. and i know i kept telling myself i can do it dozens and dozens of times. sometimes i feel God, yating, john, they're probably all sick & tired of me falling and falling and climbing up again just to fall a few steps later.

cos recently i felt sick & tired of myself for doing that too. and that's the point where i let go and stopped trying.

how do i get over that feeling.

As I'm standing here, staring into the mirror
See the figure of a man trying to take a stand
And live for something more
Integrity is what I need and honor to my soul I feed
To give it up, pack it in, getting rid of all my sin that's weighing me down
Won't You come and fill
I want You to come and make me more real
Take this life, won't You change this life
Come and make me whole
Won't You take this life, won't You change this life
Come and make me whole
In my pursuit of what is real
My heart is longing with a need to feel my soul come alive
I trudge and I step through the height and the death
Of a long narrow road as I'm growing old
And soon I will be home

- Take This Life, Shawn McDonald

i'm home. actually i was home yesterday but i was rearranging my room. my bed's moved to the middle. i've cleared two shelves for accesories. i've torn down the old pictures on my door and replaced them with a new sign. haha. same old same old. super hot in ipoh. kl was fine.

and the dead never do leave do they. cos they're there in your memories whether you like it or not. they leave traces of their life in the houses they lived in. they affect your lives. i realised that when i noticed each house i visited had a little space set aside to remember. and another thing i realised. was how death brings a family to a new dependency on their different gods.

my cousins still drive me crazy. but love them all the same. we went to visit my grandma at this really nice memorial garden thing on christmas eve. then christmas we had a mini bbq. haha. it's a regular zoo there. we saw dogs (dead ones too) cats monkeys squirrels cows rats. lots and lots of altars. rubbish dumps. the heat was unbearable, but i think i mentioned that already.

let's let the pictures do the talking.

ok technically these were not from malaysia. just some old pics i found in my phone.

there are loads of mountains there

you know i'm such a fool for you

and the darkness consumed

apple of my eye

my crescent friends would probably agree that the genes for my eyebrows came from my daddy

blacks and whites

the bright lights

he seems mighty happy pushing a trolley

my gay, perverted cousin the camwhore

would you stay with me

if i asked you to

the masculine and the messed

we had hearty suppers every night so you can't blame me for growing fat

homework attempts were always rendered futile when you're staying in a house with 3 kids constantly wanting to play

but what would you do without them

cos they're just too cute for words

now he's done it. he's awoken the ferocious monster before it was her time to wake up

just for that he gets his butt mercilessly spanked

but his adorable little face saves the day

we're using tissue to clean an entire car just for the thrill of it

the tiniest bbq i have ever seen

yes we need 5 people to man this tiny contraption

some of us slack off to blow bubbles

just to whet your appetite. SOME CATS WERE SHITTIN'! YES, THAT BROWN BALL OF FUR.

nicholas i told you your relative was still around. he hangs by the gate looking all cute and waiting for someone to throw him a chicken wing off the bbq

it's normal for teenagers to be confused about their genders

oh what the heck. we were playing hairdresser

daddy, gonggong and mummy

two's company

five is definitely a crowd

we're all related by blood

friends bring out the beautiful things in each other that no one else looks hard enough to find..

went out with vithiya, yw, sminty today. haha. so much fun. was raining like crazy today. not that i mind. hehe. rain is really nice especially at night.

we walked around raffles, citylink, marina. then we went to funan to get yunwei's thumbdrive. haha. anyway i roamed around with vithiya first. we went to raffles and citylink to find her shorts and my tube top. halfway through my slippers broke! hrmpf. so i was stomping around trying to find a replacement shoe. heh. must have looked retarded but i had to walk like that otherwise my sole would come out completely and i'd have to walk barefoot.

we sat near the big wheel thing and camwhored.

then met yw and sminty on the way back to citylink. we tried various shoe shops for my shoes but didn't see anything i liked =p

oh we went mango. haha. just to see if this branch had anything better than what i saw at vivo yesterday. saw a lot of pretty tops this time =) tried on some. the tank was nice but didn't like the colour. too bright for me. haha fine emo. i like one of the tops - had a pretty giraffe motiff but too baggy for my taste. hrmpf.

since i couldn't find other places that sold nice tube tops. i just bought the one at mango. the staff at mango were like. secondary school students on vacation. weren't exactly nice if you ask me. hostile buggers. think we bored sminty & yw to tears cos they left to rest their feet at macs while vithiya and i were trying out tops. lol. darn i should have tried some pants too.

we went yoshi after that. yummy. camwhored. exchanged presents. hehe. i liked the pig i got from sminty.

awww. love love.

what's good for eating?

"yunwei's dead-fish look" - simin

vithiya's kiddo meal

we tuck in

my reflex action to a camera

simin laughed too soon

drawing lots for gift exchange

i love the pig so much i just have to kiss it

me & smint

walked around lots again. went ripcurl and bought the slippers cos i couldn't stand the clacking sound from my loose sole.

the replacements

vithiya turns cowgirl. sminty the horse refused to be included in the picture

hahaha. i think this picture is priceless. the ron weasley lookalike

we thought the scenery was nice

another group shot

ok i was deathly picky. haha. but i bought a plain purple pair in the end. then off to gelare for waffles! nice. haha. luckily vithiya knew about this place and the half price thing. my goodness the icecream was so yummy! haha. but at 3.9o a scoop, you can't afford to eat a lot.

i'm hungry, when do we eat?

doesn't vithiya look cute in a hat?

hahah sminty's spastic face is classic

an attempt at a group shot

yummy waffles. the mango sorbet was delicious

mmmmmm..

yunwei daringly takes a bite

ahhh we are satisfied

i don't know why, but i think this pic is so cute. yunwei is so adorable

the receipt

went other places. marks & spencers. my goodness. so malu over there. haha. then funan to get the thumb drive. i think by then me and sminty were super tired already and almost in a 'lethargy-that-resembles-drunkeness-state'. haha. nevertheless. a good day. great meeting up with my old friends. we never got to have that riverwalk by the singapore river though. haha. darn the rain.

more camwhoring action

poor vithiya gets hurt

meet my two banana friends

vithiya and me get cosy. hey there's one banana for each of us!

i realised that as i walk around. all the cute guys you see have a girl with them. lol!

and i used to have this, dislike for people i never knew very well. i was stuck in that for awhile but i'm slowly learning to deal. haha. need to shed off the irritability, jealousy, rage, discontent, and let the fruits of the Spirit emanate through instead.

ogl or anything to do with that used to bug me whenever people mentioned it. i got bugged by the exclusivity of it. but i'm getting over that.

and it's amazing really. i didn't take out much from my paycheck. and i bought lots of stuff that weren't meant for me. so i was thinking that i wouldn't manage to get much stuff for myself in the end. but somehow my money seemed to stretch. lol. could cover lots of things even though many weren't for me. and i got blessed back anyway. i still have leftover money that i haven't found anything to spend it on. and i feel happier though i don't have the material possesions.

it's a choice to be happy. i'm starting to really push myself to make that choice.