before all this. i was fine being by myself. i thrived on loneliness.

but now it's so scary.

seeing couples around puts a punch to my gut because i think to myself. i had that once. now i'm all alone. i know i can have it again, but not now.

i know i'm called for something more, and i can't move on if i keep on this way and putting him before Him.

i must have typed this kind of entry dozens and dozens of times. and i know i kept telling myself i can do it dozens and dozens of times. sometimes i feel God, yating, john, they're probably all sick & tired of me falling and falling and climbing up again just to fall a few steps later.

cos recently i felt sick & tired of myself for doing that too. and that's the point where i let go and stopped trying.

how do i get over that feeling.

As I'm standing here, staring into the mirror
See the figure of a man trying to take a stand
And live for something more
Integrity is what I need and honor to my soul I feed
To give it up, pack it in, getting rid of all my sin that's weighing me down
Won't You come and fill
I want You to come and make me more real
Take this life, won't You change this life
Come and make me whole
Won't You take this life, won't You change this life
Come and make me whole
In my pursuit of what is real
My heart is longing with a need to feel my soul come alive
I trudge and I step through the height and the death
Of a long narrow road as I'm growing old
And soon I will be home

- Take This Life, Shawn McDonald