Some Kind of Beautiful

HELLO

2010-11-27T22:05:00.002+08:00

Hi my dear Clayee, if you are reading this, here's a loving reminder to stop reading and go study physics!!! HEE

Love, me

Straight Up, Now Tell Me

2010-11-26T12:57:00.002+08:00

Straight up now,
tell me do you really want to love me forever?
Or am I caught in a hit and run?
Straight up now,
tell me is it gona be you and me together?
Or are you just having fun?

I've been fooled before,
wouldn't like to get my love caught
in the slamming door.
How about some information please?

Moving home,
leaving all the past behind.
At least on this new site, I have the option to lock certain posts.

Some Kind of Beautiful

wake up, wake up, stop dreaming

2010-11-23T23:44:00.002+08:00

I kind of miss Hong Kong.
Yes, I was there for about 9 days.
During the first few days I actually wanted to go home so badly.
I missed home, I didn't like the weather because it was so cold.
But after a few more days there,
I grew to love it.
Love the fact that reality seemed so far away, back in Singapore.
Love the fact that all I do in HK is eat, shop, go home, sleep, repeat.

Welcome back to reality.
My mind is out of sorts tonight,
I'll blog a proper entry soon.

2 MORE DAYS

2010-11-10T00:08:00.003+08:00

MY ARMS ARE FALLING OFF. I was carrying items from the various shops (both to bring them back to office, as well as to bring them back to the shops) the last 2 days. So,so,so heavy because there were 70++ items (& Dolce & Gabbana had the HEAVIEST boots ever). Even as I type this, my arms are cringing in agony.

C came by after his school on Monday to help me carry some of the items close to evening. He is superduperuper sweet! He even wanted to help today, but the opportunity cost was too much since he had to do some work! But we did hang out on Monday night, with a comfort dinner of Subway and roaming around Ion.

My flight to HK has been pushed forward to Sunday morning :(
AND TWO MORE DAYS TO SUBMISSION :) But also means I need to speed up my work. Shall blog more coherently when I am done with submissions!

I still update Tumblr quite regularly! Violet Elephants (Click click!) It is a quick collection of images/quotes that describes my current mood/thoughts/feelings.

STOP BEING DISTRACTED, JULIE!!! LAST 2 DAYS!!

Straight Up

2010-11-08T01:28:00.002+08:00

My eyes are closing.. C is already sleeping.. Good news is that he's coming to send me off on Monday! Very grateful & definitely very happy. Won't be seeing that boy 'til Thursday (his birthday!!), & from now 'til then, gotta chiong my project :\

Heading back to Club 21 tomorrow, will be meeting Evans to get C's birthday present, and of course some warm clothing for HK. Even more reason to chiong now instead of blog right. Haha! 4 days, feels torturoussssss, I can't wait to get this over & done with.

Soundtrack for the night: Straight Up by Paula Abdul.

Smiley

2010-11-07T02:42:00.002+08:00

Went over to C's place today to study. But somehow or rather I took 2 friggin' hours to travel! Didn't do much work, but I'm glad we spent some time together! We watched movie trailers, talked, ate Hershey's Kisses & drank Yakult. 5 MORE DAYS TO FREEDOM WHERE HOMEWORK WON'T HANG OVER MY HEAD EACH TIME I COME OVER TO YOUR PLACE!

I adore you, you awesomely, wonderfully, amazingly beautiful and special yet weird but unique individual. Teehee! Thankyouuu for always taking care of me!:)

After I left, I headed down to Esplanade to meet TWT, Qinny & her sister! We were watching a performance about breakdancing. They did moves I never thought was humanly possible! Exciting stuff! The show is called 'Return', performed by the B Boyz of Gorilla Crew, & I thoroughly enjoyed myself watching it! So if you ever hear of their performance, you should go check it out!

P.D.A

2010-11-05T12:24:00.001+08:00

"You know I love you when you're loving me,
Sometimes it's better when it's publicly.
I'm not ashamed, I don't care who sees,
Us hugging & kissing our love exhibition.

I don't care about propriety,
Let's break the rules and ignore society."

Frustrated

2010-11-05T01:57:00.002+08:00

Is so, so, SOOOOOOO frustrated right now!! I thought I could finish everything on the list below by tonight. I spent the whole afternoon doing cash flow. I thought I was done by evening. THEN I FOUND AN ERROR IN YEAR ONE. GOOD GRIEF. Eventually I ended up being so despondent I just went to sew my top. And I haven't finished it yet. ARGHHHHHH.

Okay, I'm going to finish off this damn cash flow before bed. I can't bear to see it anymore after I wake up.

Busy + Lazy

2010-11-04T17:12:00.002+08:00

Too busy/lazy to blog coherently nowadays. I have a Tumblr now, did I mention? Feel free to take a peep at my thoughts & feelings in images.

Violet Elephants

To-Do List

1. ~~3-year Marketing & Sales Plan~~

2. 3 year Cash Flow

3. Income Statement

4. Breakeven Point

5. Finish sewing the first top

-

2010-11-03T20:08:00.003+08:00

So, we made it official yesterday. Went down to Pasir Ris to meet him, walked around the area, then went back to his place. His dad is so mega cute. His mum came home earlier this time, so I managed to see her. She's super nice to him, but I guess it's pretty normal, since he's the youngest boy in the family.

We spent a great 7 hours together, 2 of it was doing our work! Haha, so proud of ourselves. But yeah, it was a great time together with him. In return, he came over to my area today.

8 more days to submission. Entering panic mode, I think. Unfortunately because my presentation was pushed forward by 1 day, I can't meet him to celebrate his birthday on Wednesday. But we're spending it together (hopefully) on the 12th. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind!! I hope he can appreciate it, haha!

Monday & Tuesday, heading back to Club 21 to help out. I NEED EXCEPTIONAL TIME MANAGEMENT THIS WEEK!

Day 9: I Miss You by Incubus

2010-10-31T20:28:00.002+08:00

This evening, C sent me this song by Incubus that made me feel all warm inside:

to see you when i wake up
is a gift i didn't think could be real.
to know that you feel the same as i do
is a three-fold Utopian dream.

you do something to me that i can't explain.
so would i be out of line?
if i said, i miss you.

i see your picture, i smell your skin
on the empty pillow next to mine.
you have only been gone ten days
but already i'm wasting away.

i know i'll see you again whether far or soon.
but i need you to know,
that i care & i miss you.

miss you.

Thanks, C. You make me smile:)

4 Chocolates & a 1 hour Phone Call Later

2010-10-31T18:10:00.005+08:00

Source

So pretty! Wedding idea? Haha! Nono, my wedding not happening 'til years later; a life partner is the last thing on my mind at the 'mo. Still wana have fun & see what the world can offer.

Okay, got a bunch of work to do today! Hopefully they all get crossed out by tonight.

1. ~~Thesis - edited & printed~~!
2. FINANCIALS
3. 5 designs - tech drawings FINALIZED
4. ~~Dubai Tower project~~

Okay, today is Day 7

2010-10-31T01:17:00.002+08:00

Source

Okay, so today is Day 7, not Day 8. Haha! Miscalculation on my part.

Anyways, woke up early this morning and headed to Punggol. We cleaned an apartment today, and it was satisfying:) Later, I headed home to do a bit of finance (gahhhhh. I can never finish this) and then we went to the Choong's.

There are many magical things being said/done, and I really want to record them down. For encouragement for the future, for hope that love exists in such pure forms. After I got off the phone with C, I received this text from him awhile later:

"I've really enjoyed spending time with you today! Although it was 2 hours (and an hour and a half of extra talk time), I like the feeling of just simply being with you, esp being in your arms. Your smile brings a smile to my dao face hahah you're really special to me, I hope you can feel that."

C met my parents today. It was a very spontaneous thing because when he walked me to the lift lobby, my parents were already coming down the lift! So they ended up meeting, and I initially thought my mother was very hostile to C, but when I reached home and asked her what she thought about him, her reaction was actually rather positive! So, I am quite thankful for that, haha! I intend to start this potential relationship (though it hasn't entered the 'serious' stage yet) on the right foot! There are mistakes I have learnt from my past relationship that I do not intend to carry into this one, and one of them is accountability.

Tuesday! Can't wait to spend time with him again. I still have to figure out his birthday present though, soon soon! And I am also super duper grateful that though I broke up this year, I still have someone to see Christmas lights with. We also have roughly a week when we are both completely free, and we are already planning stuff to do together:) Catching the sunset at Changi Point, watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind + Sweeney Todd at his/my place..

Day 7: Brown Eyes

2010-10-30T01:27:00.002+08:00

It has been 7 days since me & C have started going out. Saturday is Day 8. He seems ready to say the 3 words already, but I am still holding back. We are only going to talk about progress after his exams end, which I think is around.. 15th December? Still a month and a half for both of us to think about our direction & what we want.

Don't get me wrong, the last 7 days have been magical. He is the dependable kind of guy I would like, & we can talk and talk and talk & it goes on forever. I have mentioned that we have just lain in bed & talked from 3AM 'til 7AM before trudging down to Macs in our PJs, right?

He called me at 8AM this morning to wake me up for class, and I was soooo groggy. He called my morning voice 'cute' and even encouraged me to sleep in a little more! (Since I only got to sleep at 4AM in the morning) I told him to stop being a bad influence, haha!

I gave him a call when I alighted my bus tonight (that was around 11PM), and we just kept talking 'til just! He has the same flow going as with what me and N used to have, & that's amazing! He's amazing, too, really. I do not know how but he just manages to bring out all the positivity in me, and the world seems so much brighter and less restrictive. (I guess his parents played a part too..)

So much for 'low-commitment'. Our 'low-commitment' has resulted in us meeting 3 times in the last 7 days. And I am meeting him tomorrow night too, because it just so happens that we are having dinner at the Choong's again tomorrow! So, I can meet him for a bit & pass him my JC chem notes to better understand his Uni chem notes.

Tomorrow is ministry day too. Gona be doing something different instead of the usual visitation this week, we're going to clean up a house! :) Sounds exciting, hahaha! A workout bright and early in the morningggg.

Side note: I don't want to lead a smooth-sailing Christian life, it feels so unfruitful. Maybe I am not doing enough, maybe I am not effective, that's why I am stuck in this rut? Recently, people have been talking about being broken, to lean on God because of this brokenness. It got me thinking to the start. I was talking about first loves, right? So I revisited my first love phase with Him. I leaned on Him so much because I was so broken. And then I outgrew my brokenness and adapted. And now, I am no longer leaning as much on Him as I used to. There are many, many times I cannot feel Him around me, and I used to whine about it, but now I just tell myself, "By faith, I believe that You are here." How long more, God, how long more will You be quiet & afar off? Is it my fault? What do I have to do for You to be as close to me as You used to be...?

a rare breed

2010-10-29T00:01:00.003+08:00

Source: Daydreamlily

"Like I said, you are an absolute rare breed...Just speaking my mind out anyway, trying to express myself, because I am in love with you.."

He's been calling me before he slept the last few days, feels really nice:) Next week is his e-learning week, we're going to go out properly, with a movie on Tuesday, can't wait for that:) My essay will be submitted on Monday, so it will be a good time to breathe, with him. I want to smell the ocean and feel the breeze in my hair again, let's see if we can find time for that too! Or wait 'til after his exams..

2.3K words edited and ready to go. Another 700 to edit before I'm sleeping tonight!

"The Lord takes pleasure in His people." - Ps 149:4a (TEV)

you've got the magic touch

2010-10-28T12:37:00.004+08:00

To-Do List

1. ~~Send out industry questionnaire~~
2. ~~FINISH MY 3K ESSAY~~ (BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
3. Financials
4. Start writing biz plan

You Make Me Smile

2010-10-28T00:18:00.004+08:00

Friday night at Qinny's 21st with the Crescentians, Aloha Changi:

Monday night at Bobby's, CHIJMES, to celebrate Qinny's actual 21st, a night of pool & margaritas with sugar (instead of salt!) on the rim!

Went for morning class today, then headed off to Bugis MRT to meet C. I managed to catch him on the train itself so he didn't have to alight! We walked to Downtown East where he introduced Fish & Co Express! The burger was really good (better than Mac's Filet-O-Fish!) and at a really nice student price of $4.50.

I hung out at his place all afternoon. I made myself comfortable on his bedroom floor while he just sat beside me watching me type for awhile, hahah, until I shoo-ed him back to the table to do his math. He did 3 questions then came down to the floor again. Haha!

So our usual routine: nua and talk. It's amazingly enjoyable, and time passes way too fast when we do this. Soon, I had to leave for BS, and have I mentioned how mega cute and amazing his parents are!! His dad is so jovial and so easy to get along with. Haha, he keeps insisting I should stay for dinner one day and try his cooking! I think I would gladly, one day! :) Anyway, C sent me back to Pasir Ris, this time he wasn't abashed about holding my hand or hugging me in public.

Anyway, I know I am gushing on about C, but I guess this is how it is always like when you first like somebody, and get involved with someone. It really reminds me of what the Bible talks about, the 'first love'. There was a time when love was simple, innocent, and at its purest form, when you just wanted to be with that someone special for as long and as much as you can! When the sparks in a relationship or marriage die out, we always must remember to look back at moments like these that started it all. The characteristics that brought you two together. The joy you felt just being with a person. What made you fall in love? Remember them!! And recreate them everytime the sparks die.

C was telling me I should introduce him some songs, so I sent him this song by Uncle Kracker: Smile. Because that's what he does, he makes me smile like the sun, dizzy in my head, forget how to breathe... yes, he makes me smile all the time.

I also sent him Bruno Mars - Just the Way You Are. Because he makes that song real for me. He always tells me he likes me the natural way I am - the eccentricities, the quirks, when I'm in PJs, uncombed hair and spectacles. It's the most blissful kind of love a man can offer.

"I'm grateful to have found someone who's so loving, who has such appealing unique character that intrigues me all the time and who generates so much attraction flux.."

He wanted to match his expression of feelings in a song as well... Can you compare & contrast how different our tastes in music are. Hahaha.

Next time when love fails me, I want to be able to look back at posts like these, and remember that there are definitely moments when such blissful, ignorant love exist. Because they do, and sometimes we just need to keep looking. The answer might be right under our noses.

Simple Love

2010-10-26T01:44:00.003+08:00

I know this is damn old school, but...

說不上為什麼
我變得很主動
若愛上一個人
什麼都會值得去做

我想大聲宣佈
對妳依依不捨
連隔壁鄰居都猜到我現在的感受

河邊 / 的風 / 在吹著頭髮/ 飄動
牽著 / 妳的/ 手一陣莫名/ 感動
我想帶妳回我的外婆家
一起 / 看著日落 / 一直到我們都睡著

我想就這樣牽著妳的手不放開
愛能不能夠永遠單純沒有悲哀
我想帶妳騎單車
我想和妳看棒球
想這樣沒擔憂唱著歌一直走
我想就這樣牽著妳的手不放開
愛可不可以簡簡單單沒有傷害
妳靠著我的肩膀
妳在我胸口睡著
像這樣的生活我愛妳妳愛我
想簡！簡！單！單！愛
想簡！簡！單！單！愛

Before I get along to explaining myself about why on earth I would be posting this old-school song by Jay Chou, I would first like to proudly proclaim: I MET 4 DIFFERENT SETS OF FRIENDS TODAY!!

I think it is an amazing feat because there are normally 3 parts to a day: morning, noon, and night. My day started off at noon when I met YW & Vithiya at NTU for lunch!! So, so, SO GOOD to see them again and hang out! (SIMIN, COME BACK SOON!)

After NTU, I sped off down to National Library where I bumped into Zelia at the 8th floor, and then after awhile Jun Hong came by. Steffi came after, and I was just briefly teaching them some Adobe Photoshop skills while multitasking with my essay. So much for finishing my essay today. Hahaha, but no regrets!

C called and said he'd be early. He even walked all the way to National Library to accompany me for a bit while I was looking for a book. Super sweet of him! :) We walked to Sunshine Plaza and had wanton mee (& the super nice fried youtiao) for dinner, strolled around, and ended up chatting the hours away at the Macs nearby, and then he accompanied me back to City Hall MRT.

We parted at City Hall, where I met up with Qinny and her friend, and JR to go to CHIJMES. We ended up at Bobby's, drinking margaritas, eating buffalo wings + fries, and playing rounds of pool with Mengwei snapping our "sexy" pool poses. Haha! It was fun & I really enjoyed the company of alllllllll my friends today! Friends truly make life so much more bearable, so much joy!!

Anywayyy, back to my rationale for the above-mentioned song. I really feel that me and C are at that stage at the moment, where everything feels so blissful, and you really wish love could stay like this forever: so simple, so uncomplicated. It has been a while since I felt that love could be anything less than constant sacrifice, constant giving and constant commitment. And perhaps because love is just starting, that is why I feel so refreshed by what I have with C, & why it brings me so much joy.

Best things about the start of relationships/I love:

- simple sacrifices: like you walking all the way to NLB just so you could "see me earlier".
- you suddenly holding my hand while we're walking.
- how we take turns to pay for meals, no pressure :)
- you offering to carry my laptop.
- being excited just at the thought of seeing each other.
- how we sit across each other at the table, but you always want to hold my hand.
- the many many compliments you pay me through the day; you make me feel special & one-of-a-kind.
- you never restricting my freedom, & how I should not compromise my freedom/studies for you.
- how you alternate between saying 'i like you' and 'i love you' just so you wouldn't "scare me away" for being "too invovled" at this stage.
- how you walked me all the way to City Hall though Bugis was nearer for you to get home, & how time could pass so fast just by holding your hand and talking all the way.
- your very shy peck on the cheek before leaving because my friends were coming.

"我想就這樣牽著妳的手不放開,
I want to just hold your hand like this and not let go,
能不能夠永遠單純沒有悲哀?
Can love be forever innocent without sadness?"

Come here, boy

2010-10-24T20:13:00.002+08:00

It's dark in here, visions are flashing into my head
as I reminisce my reoccurring dreams and you said,
"I'm falling, falling for you babe
my feelings are getting stronger."
So why don't you stay with me for a little longer...
Come here boy, come here boy yeah
Come here boy, come here boy

I know that my face is only too familiar to your sleep
I can see it in your eyes and I can tell by your body heat
Why are you taking so long?
You need me to come and find you, honey?
set your mind at rest, let your dreams run free
Come here boy, come here boy yeah
Come here boy, come here boy yeah
Come here boy, come here boy yeah
Come here boy, come here boy

You know I'm no stranger in your dreams...
You know I'm no stranger in your dreams...

Oh and I'm craving, I'm howling, I'm begging, I'm pleading
You're mine tonight, oh yeah
Oh and I'm waiting, I'm dying, I'm wanting and I'm needing
to show you the slut I am
where I'll be touching and holding, caressing and giving you
every fantasy , yeah
I've got you dreaming and lusting, I'm burning and praying
for more of this ecstasy

You know I'm no stranger in your dreams...

"Nah, you should do your essay, don't purposely wait for me k!" I LIKE.

Today after service, Jac asked me if there was something I wanted to tell her. Hahaha. So I should be introducing C to her & Reagan sometime soon.

He put his collection of songs into my laptop, and I love listening to some of them. Because his music was playing in the background for the hours we were doing work, drinking, and later as accompaniment while we lay in bed talking 'til daylight, before deciding to go for hotcakes brekkie at 7AM. (Luckily I said no initially to Macs breakfast at 5AM because the nearby Macs was only open at 7AM!) It was an amazing memory; I would love to recreate it, but not anytime soon. So for now, though he is not here, his music recreates the blissful, undisturbed and soothing feeling that I felt that night.

And back to my 3K essay before his comment on my rate of 200words/hour comes to pass. Hahaha!

Start a Fire

2010-10-23T19:46:00.001+08:00

I remember when you said your father's asleep.
I remember swimming as our clothes drifted off to sea.

So wake up, wake up dreaming.
& lie here with me.
So wake up, wake up dreaming,
And lie here with me.

Here we go,
just lose control and let your body give in
to the beat of your heart as my hand touches your skin.
Is this love, or,
just sexual desire?
We're gonna start a fire

I remember drinking as the stars were falling,
I remember dancing on the hotel's unmade bed.

So wake up, wake up dreaming.
& lie here with me.
So wake up, wake up dreaming,
And lie here with me.

Taking chances in the back of your car,
we burn and on my radio is Rockin' in a Free World,
S.O.S.
So obsessed,
oh you make me such a mess,
why can't this just last forever, why, why, why?

21 things I want to say to my favouritest birthday girl! :)

Went for Qinny's 21st birthday at Aloha Changi on Friday night! It was a battle getting to Oni Cupcakes (with TWT carrying a ginormous helium '21' balloon), and then an even greater battle balancing my heavy barang + laptop + cupcakes in the MRT train to Pasir Ris. It was then craaazy trying to find our way to Biggin Hill Road. But we found our way eventually! Had a great night with my Crescent friends playing Monopoly Deal. Sorry I couldn't stay over!!!

But on to other things. Some things are hard to say on a public space, and I don't really know if I am ready to tell people yet. But things aren't concrete, so to say. But I think our statuses to each other have somewhat changed. Like I said, nothing is concrete because it is still the 'trying-it-out' phase. It feels good to be able to hold somebody's hand again, to be close to somebody, to hang out and just enjoy each other's presence. Let's see where it goes.

But for now, my 3K word essay awaits!

Nice thought

2010-10-21T23:43:00.003+08:00

“as we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to let you down probably will.
you will have your heart broken probably more than once and its harder every time. you’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
you’ll fight with your best friend. you’ll blame a new love for the things an old one did.
you’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you’ll eventually lose someone you love…
so take too many pictures, laugh too much and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back.“

Ice turns to water, water flows through everything

2010-10-20T22:59:00.002+08:00

Sunny days, keeping the clouds away,
I think we're coming to a clearing and a brighter day.
So far away, still I think they say,
the wait will make the heart grow stronger
or fonder, I can't quite remember anyway.

So if you're waiting for love
Well it's a promise I'll keep
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter

Winter spring, it's what love can truly bring
Ice turns to water, water flows to everything
You can lose your mind, maybe then your heart will find
I hope you won't give up what's moving you inside

So if you're waiting for love
Well it's a promise I'll keep
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
then time will never matter

If the car won't start
When you turn the key
When the music comes on
All your cold cold heart can do is skip a beat.

I am still sickkkk!!! Argh I hate being sick. My head feels like its full of fluids, and my brain is swimming in it. To make things worse I was in school at 10am, and came home at 10pm because I had BS at night. Hahahha. Sniffling + sneezing + coughing + itchy throat + drowsiness = very very grumpy Julie.

Anyway, this song by Jars of Clay was one I listened to a lot 4 years ago, when I faced a similar scenario as now. That was when I was also going through a period of seperation from N. It's kind of funny, how I ran away from making this decision 4.5 years ago, but it still came back full circle. God loves you too much to leave you the same.

I like this line: "the wait will make your heart grow stronger." Recently, I was reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. Day 6: "To make the best use of your life, you must never forget two truths: First, compared with eternity, life is extremely brief. Second, earth is only a temporary residence. You won't be here long, so don't get too attached. Ask God to help you see life on earth as he sees it." Perhaps a few months, years down the road, you might look back on a particular instance in your life and think of how trivial it was, how much time you wasted on a particular issue, when the answer was just coming down the road..

I am waiting for something, and I suppose many of us are. What are you waiting for? "If you don't mind believing that it changes everything, then time will never matter."

"Here's the thing about mistakes. Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake, you gotta make it anyway." - Ted Mosby, HIMYM Season 1

I think one allure of HIMYM is because it was recounted from a 'future' point of view. We all want to know what happens in our future, where we are, what we are doing, who we end up with. Sometimes we feel lost trying to figure all this out, but the magic of HIMYM lies in the fact that, at some point in your life you might feel lost wondering where your life is headed, but ultimately, life happens anyway. The answer is just up ahead and the beauty was really making the journey, all the mistakes and mishaps along the way.

I spent 2 hours on the phone with Clayder. We were unraveling a bunch of threads. I can't predict where I'll be in 2030, But while life happens, I want to be able to live by the following:

"Love greater,
live louder,
celebrate harder,
laugh until your sides ache,
smile from ear-to-ear,
think positively in every situation,
and above all, BELIEVE. "

It's one of those days...

2010-10-19T15:46:00.003+08:00

It's one of those days again, when the emptiness and loneliness in your heart starts to wrestle violently against your commitment. When you want to do things your own way instead of His. If I never let go and let God, I will be going around and around in circles, again and again. Do I miss him? Yes, I do. Some days, terribly. Some days I feel like calling him, spending time with him, picking up the phone & wanting to text him... But running back will never be a solution. I think he has moved on in his heart, and it's time for me to do the same. But do you want an honest answer?

Contrary to what majority thinks/believes, and how I sometimes manage to deceive myself, there is nobody in my heart. Nobody I am particularly interested in, nor having any desire to pursue anything with.

I need the grace to live above my situation. You've got my attention, God, and I see this ENORMOUS flaw in my life. I want to learn how to be contented with my life and stop looking for objects of affections. Contentment in every situation, no matter what. The greatest desire of my heart. You mean a lot more to me than what I let my heart feel and experience, do You know that?

"And the God of peace will crush Satan under your feet shortly..." - Romans 16:20 (NKJV)

Sore Throats & Hooked Arms

2010-10-19T10:59:00.003+08:00

Day 5 of The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren: "If I asked you how you picture life, what image would come to your mind? That image is your life metaphor. It's the view of life that you hold, consciously or unconsciously, in your mind. It's your description of how life works and what you expect from it.

Your unspoken life metaphor influences your life more than you realize. It determines your expectations, your values, your relationships, your goals, and your priorities. For instance, if you think life is a party, your primary value in life will be having fun. If you see life as a race, you will value speed and will probably be in a hurry most of the time. If you view life as a marathon, you will value endurance. If you see life as a battle or a game, winning will be very important to you."

From August 19th: "Life [Reality] isn't flowers and blossoms and rainbows and candies. It has that, but I would like to think of it as hard pavement lined with flowers, blossoms, rainbows and candies. We walk the pavement, we fall on the pavement and skin our knees, but we can detour to the sides sometimes, to sniff the roses."

I was reading that excerpt from my book yesterday and it got me thinking about my life metaphor. And I was instantly reminded of that entry I posted some time back. Thinking about it, I feel that the idea of life as a 'walk on hard pavement' is quite consistent in my life. I value endurance, taking things slow, and time was always an important factor for me. For instance, I value people and things and beliefs that have withstood the test of time. Tried and tested, if you would. Perhaps that was one reason why I valued my previous relationship so much. He was a tried and tested, and I didn't want to let go no matter what.

Oh, and yesterday I met up with Clayder for drinks. I was damn late so I treated him to dinner.

How is it that my 8.0 megapixel camera phone (3rd pic) doesn't take as nice photos as his (1st & 2nd pic)?! Too much flash!!

Okay, agenda for today!!! I need to knock off a lot of things by end of the day, ARGHARGHARGH.

1. ~~Send Juno ppt slides for tomorrow's presentation!!~~
2. STUDIO: 1-year programme
3. STUDIO: Management of skills/talents
4. STUDIO: Marketing timeline & sustainability
5. STUDIO: Sales Forecasts
6. STUDIO: Financial Projections
7. STUDIO: SEW THE DAMN SHIRT

Dance in the Dark

2010-10-17T22:30:00.003+08:00

Joyyy :)

"Since I was made to last forever, what is the one thing I should stop doing and the one thing I should start doing today?" - Day Four, The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.

Life is.. amazing, beautiful, full of variety and colour. Every day, I want to love a little more, live a little more. Put aside all the negative chatter in my mind, because I have a Peace that surpasses all understanding, and it guards my heart, my mind, my thoughts. Love greater, live louder, celebrate harder, laugh until your sides ache, smile from ear-to-ear, think positively in every situation, and above all, BELIEVE.

Study session in school tomorrow with classmates, and Baroque with Clayder! Take a cue from Asher Roth and G.R.I.N.D, Get Ready, It's a New Day!

Don't break down, break through

2010-10-15T02:08:00.002+08:00

Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.
I am tired of speaking unfruitful words.

‎"This is the true joy of life: the being used up for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clot of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy." - George Bernard Shaw

Musings and aching knees

2010-10-13T22:29:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling old. 'Cos my knees are hurting. Maybe it's because of the lunges I was doing yesterday. Then again what?! Lunges aren't supposed to make your knees hurt. Maybe I'm doing it wrongly. Or maybe 'cos of all the walking today.

Really, really, really tired today. I feel like I have a whole bunch of things to do. On the verge of a merge? I don't think so, I know what the other party is like. And frankly, I am glad for that. He is cautious, this isn't a game to him, unlike some. I know we have a brilliant friendship going, it blossomed so much the last 3 to 4 months that it feels so unreal. But what do I want now? I have no clue. He was right, don't get tied down now, either by him or by anyone else. I don't even know what I want. Keep things casual. Still young, still chances to see what this life is like, what different people are like.

I hate being kept in boxes. Sometimes when I have to be put into a box, I like to wonder what other options are like. I don't just mean in relationships. However, my personality is such that for the last 4.5 years of my life, I have kept myself to that box. And I made the commitment to stay there. Sounds so naive, right? Now I feel that I know better. And C is right. Don't get tied down, not now. Not even to him. See the world, see the people, discover yourself. Who am I? Who are the people around me? What do I want in life? No commitment, no heartbreak.

I don't think I am who I used to be. Stupidly, I used to think that N will never fail me. He might make me angry, might disappoint me. But ultimately, he will never fail me. I guess at the end, he made me see. That everybody and anybody can fail me. Does this explain the approach I take to men now? I don't know. Maybe it's a phase and it will pass. Maybe. 'Til the day I meet someone who can make me see the value of trusting wholeheartedly in a man again. This is not a spiteful entry, in case N is reading. It's the honesty in my heart. And though I can move on, the effects of a decision will stay.

I met up with C after class today, very impromptu. We had lunch & went fabric-shopping at Spotlight. Later, I decided to venture to Chinatown on my own, 'cos there was nothing suitable. I guess I learned something today. So what if the uncle bullies you, don't pick up the phone and immediately want to complain to C, just take it in, make your decision, and move on. So what if you went round & round and there was still nothing that was your first choice? Make the next smart decision, and go. Maybe you did make me tougher, N, you made me a lot harder on the inside.

One ironic statement today:
"You make a very good girlfriend what."

"Well, unforunately some people don't think so."

Holding on to invisible air

2010-10-12T21:16:00.003+08:00

‎"God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go."

Got this quote off Shaoliang's FB. I love it. It really makes you think about the people in your life. Who makes healthy contributions? Who are the deadwoods? Who would you want to maintain a long-term relationship with, and who can be let go?

From Client Magazine #1

"Listen to your intuition. That thing you don’t feel quite right about? Say no to it. Saying no doesn’t make you difficult — it makes you someone who values their own truth." - Gala Darling

Dear you,

I'll never be the same,
if we ever meet again.
Won't let you get away,
if we ever meet again.

Love, me.

Haha!

2010-10-11T23:21:00.002+08:00

LOL this video makes me laugh & the song is so happyyyyyy. The original word is not 'Forget' by the way, so if you want to hear the original...

And another one of my favourite songs of the moment, put a bit of positivity into your day!

Lazy Afternoon

2010-10-11T15:04:00.003+08:00

I really like this loooook. Too bad I don't have a boyfriend whose unwanted shirts I can snip. Gahh, it's so hot now all I feel like doing is sleeping.

"I look beyond the empty cross,
forgetting what my life has cost.
Wipe away the crimson stains,
dull the nails that still remain.
More and more I need You now,
I owe You more each passing hour.
The battle between grace and pride,
I gave up not so long ago.
So steal my heart, take the pain,
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride.
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide.
Take the beauty, take my tears,
sin-soaked heart, make it Yours.
Serve the ones that I despise,
speak the words I can't deny,
watch the world I used to love,
fall to dust and thrown away."

Anyway, she said she wanted progress. So I'll give her progress. Friday, GAME ONNNNNNNN!

Reflections

2010-10-10T19:41:00.003+08:00

"What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And i don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending is starting again."

I have been brought up in an environment where wrong is wrong, & right is right. But as I break out of moulds & lifestyles, I start to question: what exactly is wrong and what exactly is right?

I am not sure if I have changed in many ways. Perhaps my likes & dislikes have taken a turn. But one of my favourite things in the world is still meeting up & having conversations with friends. Random people in the middle of the night when the air is cool, crisp and silent. Sitting with a group of treasured friends at a cosy cafe making a lot of noise and laughing. Random shopping trips with girlfriends & sometimes even close guyfriends.

But one of the main highlights has to be the fortnightly trips to Baroque with Qinny & a bunch of friends who continually keep changing. I love sitting in the dimly lit bar, getting my drink (especially when the bartender recognizes me enough to pour the same drink each time), chatting with the random friends/new friends that others bring, listening to the live band playing tunes that I love. Blisssss. We talk a lot, laugh a lot, share a lot, and just see new sides of each other. I love it. I wonder what will happen when Baroque stops this promo.

Alcohol is a funny thing, because it makes you lose your inhibitations. And it feels somewhat liberating. To peel off all the layers that you've piled on just to stay on the 'right' path. Some days I find myself blabbery, almost like the after-effects of alcohol, and I love being able to push aside inhibitations and just be myself. And when I find people I can open up to, it just feels even better. Some days I get tired trying to stay positive, but I think day by day, I am finding more reasons to.

Glitter on the Floor

2010-10-10T01:52:00.002+08:00

This version of the video is more appealing (to me) just because of the fancy costumes and cool idea. It looks so.. cultish.

One of the cool people I learnt about from Meng Kwang today: Irving Penn! I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS PHOTO.

And another one of the things I loved today! Meeting Clayder randomly in the middle of the night and chatting over a single bottle of Heineken. He's one of those people whom I could almost instantaneously click with, though we have worked together once. We have random conversations and awesome times together. Oh and he taught me how to use a bottle opener today. Haha!

P.S: Abel said that you cannot purchase alcohol after 12mn at like, 7-11s, T/F? GDNIGHT DEAD SHAGGED TOMORROW MUST START WRITING 3000 WORD ESSAY :(

go with the flowwwww

2010-10-07T22:04:00.004+08:00

Go with the natural flow of things. Paula gives the bestest advice. Let it beee, let it beeee..

Modified from a tagged L Giordano long-sleeved top:

Had the Valentino interview today at RWS.
And one of life's simplest yet greatest joys: an impromptu chat with friends over food.

but it's all just a show, a time for us & the words we'll never know.

2010-10-06T23:51:00.003+08:00

One of Clayder's intros! Such a pretty song.

Let the show begin
It's a sorry sight
Let it all deceive
Now I'm
Pains in me that I've never found

Let the show begin
Let the clouds roll
There's a life to be found in this world
And now I see it's all but a game
That we hope to achieve
What we can
What we will
What we did suddenly

But it's all just a show
A time for us and the words we'll never know
And daylight comes and fades with the tide
And I'm here to stay

But it's all just a show
A time for us and the words we'll never know
And daylight comes and fades with the tide
I'm here to stay

Anyway, Qinny uploaded some photos, and I seriously think her camera is waaaaaay better than mine..

It was a rainy day today, so on go these shoes. I never knew how to wear them without looking like an Inuit, now I do - ROLLED UP JEANS!

I really should do a food allergy test one day. After BS, I was having Yakun with ChenB. & my stomach was murder after, complete with nausea. It doesn't help that I have been feeling nauseated all morning either. Stupid nutella breakfast + lack of sleep. Argh, cutting milk out of my diet again.

Are all men like that?

2010-10-05T18:23:00.002+08:00

Heard this at Baroque yesterday night. Haven't heard it for a long time, but it's a perfect time for a song like this.

"But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here..

Whatever makes you happy,
whatever you want.
You're so very special.
I wish I was special.."

Of New Mirrors & Whiskey Coke All Night

2010-10-05T11:59:00.004+08:00

Collected my Diploma cert yesterday, one more yearrrrrr!

Made brigadeiro, super sweet!! Should have eased on the condensed milk. Reminds me of Paula 'cause we used to go over to her house and she'd make it for us :(

And papa (finally) got a mirror for my room!!

Last night:

I was asking Qinny why the camera was taking so long to flash - and it went off.

We dared Mengwei to wear Qinny's heels.

Okayyyyy got a bunch of work to knock off by today. BLAH. NO HANGOVER TODAY EITHER BTW:) So new theory: when drinking, always stick to one type of drink throughout.

"Develop interest in life as you see it; in people, things, literature,
music - the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures,
beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself."

- Henry Miller

Recharge Your Design Battery

2010-10-04T11:23:00.005+08:00

" Often the first time an idea hits the page it's already as good as it's ever going to get. The excitement and unruliness of an idea that's made it out there before showing up on the radar of the rational mind is something that's worth preserving. If it isn't the rational mind that kills a raw layout then it can still get over-cooked by a process of professional refinement, where it gets made into a grown-up piece of design. "

- Words of poetic creative wisdom from 'Recharge Your Design Batteries' by John O'Reilly & Tony Linkson.

So yesterday, I got lost travelling to Jalan Kayu (ended up somewhere near Anchorvale). Sat at a very very deserted bus-stop wiggling my black flared pant legs. (My delightful linen pants are tagged at size L, but hitched up mighty well with a simple length of fabric to act as a belt.) It was a pretty cool feeling, because I felt like the only person in the world. Also making an appearance: Charles & Keith tie-up shoes, random bracelets & my beloved Balenciaga.

Soundtrack

2010-10-02T15:52:00.003+08:00

Does it have to start with a broken heart
Broken dreams and bleeding parts
We were young and world was clear
But young ambition disappears
I swore it would never come to this
The average, the obvious

I'm still discontented down here
I'm still discontented

If we've only got one try
If we've only got one life
If time was never on our side
Then before I die
I want to burn out bright

A spark ignites
In time and space
Limping through this human race
You bite and claw your way back home
But you're running the wrong way

The future is a question mark
Of kerosene and electric sparks
There's still fire in you yet
Yeah there's still fire in you

I keep cleaning up the mess I've made
I won't run away
I can't sleep in the bed I've made

I feel like I've been walking in a haze the entire last week. Just surviving. AND I HATE IT. It's about time I get out of this mode, I think I have moped far too long. Time to get some new projects underway (my mannequin is naked now 'cos I have finished the white top!!), get interested in other things, and of course, do well in school. I am also looking for a jobbbbbbb.

Today I began to understand something, God cannot be a substitute. I think He let certain people into my life to make me see this gaping flaw.

"Love is a fabric which never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the water of adversity and grief." - Unknown.

"Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly, and without expectation.. we don't love to be loved; we love to love." - Leo Buscaglia

Lust List

2010-10-02T10:57:00.005+08:00

It's that time of the year again when I get into that whole boot-lust phase: Fall/Winter (well, not in the SG, but on the fashion calendar it is). Last year I began my perilious hunt for the perfect pair of boots, but being ignorant and albeit dense, I ended up buying a ridiculously impractical pair and then returned it.

So, some fantastic boots that are dulling my sense of reason..

Lace-up Boot with Ribbon from Balmain, Fall 2010 RTW

Anyone know which show this came from?

Armony ankle boots from Christian Louboutin. I find it very hard to wear shapless boots, my legs look chunkier. Which is why I love this, it retains the natural curve of the calves. However, with an 11cm heel, I think I can forget about wearing this (in SG, at least).

Lace booties from Christian Dior, Fall 2010 RTW

Booties from Balenciaga, Fall 2010 RTW. Sighhh

I want to travel/work/shoppppp.

Turn around and run away

2010-10-01T00:43:00.003+08:00

This is one of those nights when I really feel like grabbing a smoke.
But no, gotta learn how to deal on my own.

"I'm not perfect, but I keep trying.."

Things I Want To Do Before I Die #02

2010-09-29T22:24:00.002+08:00

Stay at Wanderlust Hotel, Singapore! I must remember to hint to my future boyf.

Doubting Intentions

2010-09-29T18:57:00.004+08:00

Scared of the ocean
Doubting intentions
Deep down inside I know our love will die

Stay or forever go
Play or you'll never know
Your spirit's divided
You will decide if I'm all you've been waiting for

Clouds in my head
Have been parted with grace
By the voice of an angel
Revealing her face
And her words they make sense and I do understand
Falling in love isn't part of a plan
Forces within me, mix reason with lust
But I try to accept it and not make it worse
Because I know I might lose you by taking the chance
But love without pain isn't really romance

i-D Magazine Fall 2010

Walking home in the evening, gorgeous breeze from start to end, and with Run by Snow Patrol playing on MP3 is bliss ♥

PRESENTATION IS OVER!! DATE ME OUT PLS I'M V V V V V V V BOREDDDD

Tomorrow is presentation day, not Thursday arghaekheaklhlaerhaw;r!!

2010-09-28T22:47:00.001+08:00

"I like the way you smile,
I might just bite your lip."

Playing with Fire

2010-09-27T21:12:00.002+08:00

"I'm not falling in love with you, I'm not falling in love,
'Til I get a little more from you, baby.
Get a little more from you babe."

It was a perfect weather day. Very windy with slight drizzle.

Rolled up jeans legs A La Abel, who was yesterday night being ravaged by mozzies.

change of perspectives

2010-09-26T20:15:00.004+08:00

You might change my perception of dating forever. I used to be child-like and naive, thinking that the first could be the last. That commitment was important; stick it out through the good and the bad times. The way you treated me today reminded of how incompatible we are. Girls, just a general guideline for you: if the guy is always the one hanging up the phone on you, he's the kind who runs away from arguments and confrontations, & you might want to be wary about that.

I don't know if I will fall in love anytime soon. I don't know if the next guy I go out with will change my life, or just be another name to the list of 'Ex-es'. I am not expecting too much from the men that come into my life. Hi, can you show me the magic of being in love again? Otherwise, I have no other words left, just a pictoral update from today.

I'm thinking of that tattoo again today. Just for fun, I was photoshopping crosses onto my wrist in Photoshop. When do you think I'll finally get it?

LOL

2010-09-26T01:06:00.002+08:00

"So.. specs or no specs nicer?"

"Eh eh specs."

"Why specs man."

"Perhaps I have a specs fetish."

"Okay, well it's a rare sighting."

"Yea, please don't wear, later I fall in love with you HAHAHA."

LOLOLOLOLOL it meant nothing, but totally brightened up my night. Just got home from the Choongs', where we had awesome steamboat, and then sent Edward off to the airport. Oh, and I met up with Clayder for a reaaaaally short while to chitchat because he lives so nearby.

Eccl 7:3

2010-09-25T15:20:00.004+08:00

Today, I feel really drained. Maybe the fatigue adds on to the already drained emotional aspect of me. And I am wondering where the emotional leakage is. But it's all good. It makes me realize that God is my fuel when my tank is dry. Nobody else. No man, no woman, no person. And when I come before Him, my direction is fortified and though my countenance falls, I know my heart rests assured.

I woke up really early this morning to join my cell group up Bukit Timah Nature Reserve. Then we had lunch at Coronation Plaza. It reminded me of the first few times N & I hung out, just the two of us. It also reminded me of the occasional lunch dates we would have there after his soccer. But it doesn't affect me very much now.

When I reached home, I was floundering a little & trying to look for an anchor in terms of my emotions. Then I found this verse:

"Sorrow [is] better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better." - Eccl 7:3 (KJV)

In other translations:

"Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us." - New Living Translation

"Sorrow is better than joy; when the face is sad the mind gets better." - Bible in Basic English

"Anger is better than laughter: because by the sadness of the countenance the mind of the offender is corrected." - Douay-Rheims Bible

I guess there are many ways to say it. But the bottom line is that we do not always have to be smiling. We are welcome to be human. And when we show our emotions, it helps both others, as well as ourselves. Problems and issues that we have in our life will bubble up to the surface in terms of our countenance, and we can set about to deal with it. True?

It's a quarter after one and I need you now

2010-09-25T01:57:00.002+08:00

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all
It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now (wait)

I don't think I need anyone now. Maybe I want somebody around, but I don't need it. Tonight, I don't really feel like sleeping because my heart is a little heavy. So much uncertainty. Do you know how it feels like to be with a group of amazing people, yet feel so alone? I guess it means more to me to be able to connect with a person one-to-one, than just to be another face in the group.

It gets a little lonely at times, but like I said, I don't need anyone now. I don't want to sacrifice my destiny just because it's uncomfortable. The loneliness will pass, the morning will come, I'll walk out of the valley as long as I keep on walking. I know You'll be here with me. You were here the last 2 nights, the last 2 months. Guard your heart, keep your mind focused on the important things, learn how to be alone, and learn to enjoy being yourself. Goodnight, silent world. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Exodus in Chinese.. among some other things today

2010-09-24T15:57:00.005+08:00

I am finding it so difficult to really sit down & do my presentation. No motivation, I guess? Coupled with a slight moody-ness that has spilled over from yesterday. So from the time I woke up 'til now, I have been:

- Watching How I Met Your Mother; finishing Season 5 soon :(

- Ate lunch in front of the telly & rewatched an episode on Star World of HIMYM Season 2. Doing that at 12noon everyday is almost like a ritual. Especially awesome if I have macaroni in tom yam soup for lunch :D

- Did QT & wrote a summary of Exodus in Chinese. 15 chapters - that's how long it takes for Moses to grow up and for them to cross the Red Sea. Haha. This & QT took me 2 hours; I haven't written in Chinese for so long!

And some interesting things I read today:

Exodus 14:12 (NKJV): "For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than that we should die in the wilderness."

Sometimes, we get too.. comfortable in our situations that we fail to see that we need to GET UP and move forward into our destiny. It doesn't matter if our situation is one that binds us, one of restriction, it's our comfort zone and all that we know. How foolish and simple-minded us humans can be! I don't want to be this foolish, please make me a person who will be courageous enough & will not abandon my destiny for comfort!

Exodus 14:15 (NKJV): "Why do you cry to Me? Tell the children of Israel to go forward."

There is no point continually pleading/praying/whining/worshipping & hoping, waiting for change! Faith without works is DEAD. Even if you pray 'til Kingdom comes and never take a step of faith and GO FORWARD, even God can't do anything for you! TAKE ACTION today and MOVE FORWARD! :)

- Hit the gym!

- Attempting to watch Wall Street before watching the sequel. Haha!

- OKAY NOW I AM TOTALLY GOING TO DO MY PRESENTATION! I have a hot cup of green tea beside me and my Powerpoint is open. It's my last green tea satchet though :(

Things I Want To Do Before I Die #01

2010-09-24T12:38:00.004+08:00

One of the things I want to do before I die is to ride an elephant. I hear you can do that in Thailand:)

HIMYM pearl of wisdom

2010-09-24T11:23:00.002+08:00

"Nobody likes to be alone, especially after a breakup, but that's when we discover who we really are, and what we really want."

- Ted Mosby

Musings on a Rainy Afternoon

2010-09-22T17:22:00.002+08:00

This might sound a little weird, but I am very used to receiving text messages, or, texting through the day. It kind of hit me today, because I did not receive the usual texts, nor do I have someone to text today.

Am I sounding completely strange here? Haha! But it is all good, today the weather is perfect, beautiful, and I have been reading through Exodus so that I can share with my patient on Saturday. I don't think I can finish 40 chapters of Exodus by Friday though, considering that I am at Chapter 8! But I think that as long as I get to the plagues bit, I will have more than enough to share. Speaking of which, yesterday, Evans was teaching me the Chinese translations for the some of the terms. And they sound hilarious! The Book of Exodus in Chinese is called: 'Chu ai ji ji', Chu being 'get out', Ai Ji being 'Egypt', and the last Ji being 'record'. The Record of Getting Out of Egypt. I learnt something new!

Yes, I am back on my extended essay presentation, and it is.. halfway there? I think? I am supposed to go back to school tomorrow to show my lecturer my work, hopefully it goes well! Tonight I am heading to town with some people from the cell group, and there is a pending supper date, if the other person can make it and still wants to have it. Haha!

Okay before I head back to my absolutely exciting presentation, just wanted to share some things I was reading in Exodus today..

Exodus 6:6 (NKJV): "... I am the Lord; I will bring you out from under the burdens of the Egyptians, I will rescue you from their bondage, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with great judgments."

When God revealed Himself as 'Lord', He promised to:

1. Bring you out from under your burdens
2. Rescue you from your bondage
3. Redeem you

Exodus 7:3 (NKJV): "And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and multiply My signs and My wonders in the land of Egypt."

In crisis/oppression, God will manifest Himself the most. That is the time when you will see and know of God's power. Ultimately, He is in control of everything. He was in control of hardening Pharaoh's heart then, and He is in control of your crisis/situation now. That is why we call him Lord.

Last Night

2010-09-21T23:56:00.003+08:00

YESTERDAY, I met Jac for lunch near her workplace, then at night met up with some dear friends for drinks at Le Baroque, again! It was Qinny, LF, MW, and Qinny's friends, Ruth & Reuben! It was an awesome night of drinks, drinking games, and TRUTH OR DARE! Hahaha! We had some interesting dares last night, which included:

- Ruth playing 'This Little Piggy' on Mengwei's fingers (intitially supposed to be his TOES!)

- Mengwei needing to get a random girl's number, and he ended up getting a super long number from a BURMESE lady

- Me having to do a catwalk in the middle of the bar

- Qinny needing to have ONE PIECE OF CLOTHING/ACCESSORY removed from her by a member of the opposite sex

- AND LASTLY, the damn win dare: TAKE A PICTURE WITH A RANDOM GUY in the bar! I of course picked a cute one.

I seriously did not drink a lot last night, maybe it's a mixture of alcohol plus a few days worth of nausea, but I woke up at 6AM this morning and vomitted three times. It was seriously HORRIBLE, and my parents both thought I drank until I was drunk. BUT I NEVER! I drank less than I did during my first visit, which by the way, I did not throw up or suffer any side effects at all. WEIRDNESS.

Anyway, I spent my afternoon trying to do my (very uninspired) Extended Essay presentation, and then met Evans & Chen Bing at Bukit Timah market for dinner :) Okay, I shall try to inspire myself now and (ugh) return to my presentation before bed!

Guard your heart

2010-09-20T18:20:00.002+08:00

"Keep your heart with all diligence,
For out of it spring the issues of life."

- Prov 4:23 (NKJV)

'Nuff said. Know where your heart is. And keep it with all diligence.

Rising with Him, and Jigsaw Pieces

2010-09-20T09:27:00.002+08:00

I want to get/make a puzzle necklace. But if I make it, I need some acrylic lacquer and a chain, haha. Just some musings: if two puzzle pieces don't fit, there is no point making them fit. Sooner or later, the big picture still will not look right. No matter how hard I push for it, or try to whack them in place, it just.. doesn't look right. The pictures on each piece may be so vastly different, one piece may be a picture of a person's eye, and the other of a foot.

I tend to embark on new projects when my old ones have not been completed. A very good example is the white top that is still on my mannequin, but I am seriously stuck with regards to that..

Been feeling unwell the last 2 days, with headaches & some random nausea spells. NO, I AM NOT PREGNANT! Maybe it is something that I ate.

My words are a jumble in my head now. Feeling a little sleepy. Recently, I have been reading/hearing verses and songs that speak of rising early to seek His face. So this morning, I tried. It was good, and I feel on the verge of something.. We shall see how it goes.

And strangely, though I honestly have no interest in any particular guy, this phrase from Brooke Fraser's song, 'Love, Where Is Your Fire?' keeps popping to mind:

"Then a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind,
That I'll offer you me, and you'll politely decline."

Maybe I am not used to being up so early. Haha, I think I shall take a short nap before meeting Jac for lunch later.

My Awesome God

2010-09-19T00:44:00.002+08:00

I was angry today. But after living a long time of just shooting my mouth off, today I took a different route. I always thought that I thought a lot before I speak, but I realized that when I am feeling negative, I don't. Reagan told me this once:

"Any form of release or escapism other than turning to God is temptation, and is not from Him, 'cos it's the devil trying to take your focus away from God."

Prov 17:27 (NKJV): He who has knowledge spares his words, & a man of understanding is of a calm spirit.

Prov 16:32 (NKJV): He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, & he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.

I went to the airport today with my family, and some images from the past few years came to my mind. How I would take a train down to the airport to see him off, or wait for him to come back from his Crescendo trips in Thailand. And though in my heart, I felt a sense of loss, but I also know of one thing: I acknowledge that I am no longer the person for the job, and I renounce all soul-ties, affections, and feelings. Then, there is one thing that stands in the way: forgiveness & restoration.

Forgiveness, in this case, is not going to be instantaneous, much less speaking about restoration (in friendship sense, and not relationship). Wounds are raw, emotions can still be sparked off. It is even more difficult to say if we will ever be friends again, apart from just mere 'hi-bye' acquaintances. And I do not want to be pressurized into this process without first getting my emotions with regard to him right first. His decision to cut off all ties, though albeit painful, was actually the right thing to do. We heal better that way.

In the last 1.5 months, in every pain, every heartache, every trial, I see Him as a Lover who will never fail me. Everything else can fail, but He doesn't. That was where my trust and my affections should have been. And though I am waiting expectantly for a significant other who will be the better fit for me, that I will also be reminded that I must be worthy of the criteria that I am asking for.

For the curious who are wondering if my life has gone downward, no it hasn't. If you would like me to bring it out into the open, yes, I have smoked since the break-up, but only during the most horrid of days when I felt that I could not handle the emotions thrown my way. But in a month, I believe I have only smoked about 6 or 7. And though I tell my friends, no, I am not addicted, I kept the pack around, simply because I was afraid that there would come a day/night whereby the emotions would come too great for me again, and that I would not be able to deal.

On Thursday night, I had BS with Jingmin, and I really liked some things she was saying. About how God does not set rules to limit us, but to protect us. How foundations should be built, so that we can handle greater things in the future. And how sometimes, we should not take the easiest way out.

I threw my pack away that night, and I told myself that even if I fall - hard, I want to fall on the Rock that my life must continually be built on.

Am I drinking & partying like some wild animal? No, I am not. But I have learnt how to enjoy myself to an acceptable level. Drinking is not a sin - getting drunk is. I do not party everyday, nor every week, as some believe that I do. I am more often at home, or spending time with people in my life that I care about.

Am I rebounding, flirting, constantly going out with guys? No, I am not. Believe it or not, there is no special guy in my life, nor any guy that I fancy at all. I have good guy friends, but that is all they are - good guy friends. We hang out, we chat, but my life is not centered around them. Nowadays, I find myself in the company of my good girl friends, supportive cell group members, and myself more and more. In fact, I am learning how to enjoy time alone, surprisingly! Will I date again? Sure, maybe casually, but perhaps further on down the road. I have been trying to build up my life based on the idea that: I need to learn & love to be alone, and to be independent before I can be with somebody else again.

On a side note, today's ministry was really, really good. The atmosphere was so casual, and it really brings joy to my heart. I experienced another part of myself that I always felt I lost: the compassionate part. I found joy just taking care of a person, knowing that as long as he requits it by just improving himself, I am happy enough & I need no reward.

Goodnight, world :)

Someday..

2010-09-18T01:02:00.002+08:00

I like this quote!

"Someday you'll wake up knowing you lost a precious diamond while you were too busy collecting stones."

SO, I had my graded presentation today. I seriously feel one of my lecturers is biased. But whatever. After that, I took 65 down to Ion with Juno & Rasti to meet the usual people for dinner! All I had for dinner was Pulot Hitam(? Forgot the actual name) & some fruits shared with Mingli.

Went for CGM, then took 157 down from Toa Payoh with Elijah. The funniest thing was that, actually, I bumped into him on the 75 on Monday. And today, we were both wearing the same tops as Monday. Haha! Waited darn long for the 67, then we finally decided to go eat prata (remember I only ate Pulot Hitam for dinner?) before he caught his last 12:30mn bus.

That's the end of one pretty eventful day. Weather was perfect. Rainy morning, drizzling evening. AWESOMEE. Clayder has abandoned me by sleeping early, so no more chat sessions 'til 3AM anymore. OH I just remembered - I actually called Clayder after drinks on Wednesday in a half-high state (by the time I reached home I had sobered up quite a bit) and we chatted for a good half an hour HAHA though my original intention was to make sure at least somebody can make sure I reach home safely. It was funny, Clayder told me the next day that I was talking without much thought in what I was saying. LOL. Alright, time to watch another episode of HIMYM before bedtime:)

p.s: To me, you no longer exist.

Hole in my Head

2010-09-16T15:31:00.002+08:00

Seven hours since you went away
Eleven coffees, Rickki Lake on play
But late at night when I'm feeling blue
I'd sell my ass before I think of you

Seven hours since you closed the door
Started a diet, got a manicure
Erased your number from my telephone
And if you call me I won't be at home

He said...
Why'd you cry
For the guy
Say goodbye
Runaway
Why'd you cry
For the guy
Say goodbye
I said ok, 'cos...

Won't you miss me like a hole in the head
Because I do boy,
And it's cool boy
And ooh, bet you never thought I'd get out of bed
Because of you boy,
Such a fool boy

Eleven hours on a brand new day
I'm getting ready to go out and play
It's late at night, I'm caught in a groove
I'd kiss my ass before I'm feeling blue

Seven hours, what you calling for?
A bunch of flowers and I slam the door
You're in my face, sorry what's your name?
Takes more than begging to reverse my brain
'cos...

Ooh, won't you miss me like a hole in the head
Because I do boy,
And it's cool boy
And ooh, bet you never thought I'd get out of bed
Because of you boy,
Such a fool boy

I'm through with it
Over it
Not having it
Crazy shit
Not feeling this
Can't deal, I quit
No more, No more
I'm through with it
Not having it
This crazy shit
Not feeling it
Can't deal with it
No more of it
No more, no more

Breaking off the bun
A brand new day has just begun
Just because you made me go "ooh"
Doesn't mean I'll put up with you
Don't you dare turn back
Can't you see I wont take that?
I ain't crying not over you
Better for your head up like I told you

Just a dream

2010-09-16T11:24:00.003+08:00

I was thinking about her
Thinking bout me
Thinkin bout us (us)
What we gona be?
Open my eyes, (Yeah)
it was only just a dream...

So I travel back (uh)
down that road (road)
Will she come back? (Uh)
No one knows
I realize (Yeah)
It was only just a dream.

Now im in the club thinking all about my baby
She was so easy to love
But wait, I guess that love wasn't enough
I'm going through it everytime that I'm alone
Now I'm wishing she would pick up the phone
But she made a decision that she wanted to move on
Cause I was wrong.

15-09-10: Le Baroque @ CHIJMES with TWT & Qinny

MAD FUN ♥ ♥ ♥ Loud + awesome music, $20 free flow (HAHA we really went at it to make our money's worth!), random guys & girls sitting at our table, & the best company in the world.

More pics when Qinny uploads! Hahaha, there are some unglamorous shots in there, man! Otherwise, tomorrow is my GRADED presentation, so I better start polishing up my act:) I am still trying hard to abide by my break-up rules too, check it out!

Don't look too far ahead - for now, limit your timeframe! I think the 'Focus on Today' really helps. Today, I am going to do my work (woke up too late to go to school :X), watch HIMYM, & then meet Jingmin later at Rail Mall for BS. I AM TOTALLY GOING TO FINISH MY FT1, LEFT 3 LESSONS! Then I can finally move on to FT2, I am such a slowpoke.

Runaway Love

2010-09-15T17:56:00.002+08:00

And I always find, yeah, I always find somethin' wrong
You been puttin' up wit' my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at findin' what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast

Let's have a toast for the douchebags,
Let's have a toast for the assholes,
Let's have a toast for the scumbags,
Every one of them that I know
Let's have a toast to the jerkoffs
That'll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can

She find pictures in my email
I sent this girl a picture of my d---,
I don't know what it is with females
But I'm not too good with that shit,
See, I could have me a good girl
And still be addicted to them hoodrats
And I just blame everything on you
At least you know that's what I'm good at

See, I always find
And I always find
Yeah, I always find somethin' wrong
You been puttin' up with my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at findin' what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast

R-r-ru-ru-ru-run away
Run away from me, baby
(Look at, look at, look at, look at you)
Run away from me, baby
(Look at you, look at you, look at you)
Run away
Run away from me, baby

----------

We all know a douchebag, asshole, scumbag, jerkoff.. Don't stand there letting them blame you for things that went wrong. Let's have a toast. I am gona be knocking a few back with a $20 free flow tonight at Chijmes. Cheers?

How to deal with a breakup

2010-09-14T21:39:00.002+08:00

How to deal with a breakup

Hello, fellow heartbroken people. Are you in the midst of a painful breakup? Here are some tips I found interesting & helpful:

Get it all out

"Cry, scream and feel sorry for yourself. Wallow in self-pity. However, one day while you are wallowing you will suddenly say, 'Hey I don't feel like wallowing anymore today. I feel better.' And the next day you will feel better and each day after that you will feel even better. Soon, something amazing happens, you rediscover your smile and actually laugh at who you were back then. Suddenly you are thankful for what the experience taught you." -- mplus2000

Focus on today

Take things one step at a time, one day at a time. If you start looking toward or thinking about next week, next month or next year, you'll feel overwhelmed. Don't look at the broad a picture yet, temporarily limit your view, so to speak." - nategirl (BREATH OF FRESH AIR - I needed to hear this! I have been thinking too far)

Think positively

If you think you are beaten. You are. If you think you dare not. You don't. Success begins with your own will. It's all in your state of mind. Life's battles are not always won by those who are stronger or faster. Sooner or later the person who wins is the person who thinks he can! -- gentlesouls

-----

Extreme suffering during a break up is always a sign that your mindset towards life and your own person is not correct.

The main two pillars of a stable personality and therefore the main premises for a happy life, so he told me, are:

1. Complete and unconditionally self-love

2. The very personal purpose in life

-----

Don't try to be their friend - make a "clean break"

As tempting as it is, if you are still in love with your EX, and he or she doesn't reciprocate the feelings and intensity, then you're better off making a clean break. I call it E.R. ("Emotional Rehab") - which is basically just my way of saying "time to go cold turkey".

Most people choose to ignore my advice, and remain their ex's friend - somehow imagining if they do continue to be this wonderful, supportive friend, their EX will miraculously see the err of their ways - and take them back. That so seldom happens.

-----

Don't rebound

Give yourself plenty of time to heal from this break-up. Many people begin dating before they are really recovered. It is almost as if they get bored of the pain and the healing process, so they suddenly grab the next random person who happens to show a little kindness and BAM! It's a fantastic theory but it doesn't always work that way.

Only YOU can really make YOU happy. So the trick is to be happy within yourself before you start to date again.

-----

Do Your Thing

2010-09-14T20:08:00.003+08:00

Class was cancelled today. And I haven't been feeling in the best of moods, so I didn't cram up my week last the last few times. This week and the next is rather empty; next week being project week, I have completely no activities to do at all.

Today, I tried to spend some time with myself. I woke up, watched HIMYM while having lunch, retreated back to my room to work on my presentation, and later in the afternoon I hit the gym. Worked up quite a sweat, came back, heard this song by N'sync on my media player (I know, super old school, but take a listen first):

Are you doing your thing and doing it well
Are they looking at you hating singing oooohhh
Are you doing your thing and doing it good
do your thing thing, do your thing thing

Are you doing your thing, well
Are you letting your dreams, come alive
Are you doing your thing, good
Believe can nobody do it better than you,
believe can nobody do it better than you

What is my 'thing'? I think a lot of people would associate me with fashion. But ever since I came into Fashion Management, I have been doing little design. In fact, I don't think I have been sewing/designing anything much, save for some bags I made for N here and there.

I have too much free time anyway, and since I dedicated this whole day for myself, I decided to rummage through those bags (that I have yet to unpack) from the last flea market. I found an old large Giordano long-sleeved shirt and decided to improvise on it. It's now an off-shouldered short-sleeve shirt-dress thing, & I also tucked in the side seams so it doesn't just hang off a person. You have to admit Giordano does have good quality fabric though! I don't know what else to do with it, I was thinking of painting on it, but it might be overkill. Anyhoos, I will post a photograph of it when I am done.

After dinner, I cried. Why oh why? I thought I was over this phase. But my heart was in so much pain somehow. Maybe I am still dealing with all the hurt. Of how a person who seemingly loved you so much for the last 4.5 years just ditched you. I was re-reading his old blog that is now defunct, and I am still clueless. You loved me so much then, why is now any different? Sigh.. but after a good cry, I knew I had to pull myself together. So here I am again. I hope every night is not like this. I really am looking forward to liberation. I used to think whatever problem we had, everything is fixable. But now I do know, that this is a thing that I cannot change, and everyday I ask for the serenity, the peace to accept it and move on.

Everyday is a battlefield for me. A battle to either continue smiling, or break down into tears. I know it will never be a case whereby I will lose control of my schoolwork or my daily life. It is just a matter of my countenance. How are you doing? I guess you're busy with your schoolwork and some new eyecandy. I wish you well, and daily I am trying to let go and to forgive. I will be fine, don't worry about me. I hope you will remember some things about yourself though, maybe if you have the time, you can re-read your old blog and see the latest few entries.

"but if i never take,
this leap of faith,
i'll never know.

so i'm learning to fall,
with no safety net,
to cushion the blow."

Hi God, here I am now, no more safety nets. It's just me.. and You. My spirit is broken, in pain, and crying. It's just me and You now.

Like Incense

2010-09-13T14:30:00.002+08:00

May my prayer like incense rise before You
The lifting of my hands a sacrifice of Lord Jesus
Turn Your eyes upon me
For I know there is mercy in Your light

Your statutes are my heritage forever
My heart is set on keeping Your decrees
Please still my anxious urge toward rebellion
Let love keep my will upon its knees

Oh God You are my God
And I will ever praise You
Oh God You are my God
And I will ever praise You

To all creation, I can see a limit
But Your commands are boundless and have none
So Your word is my joy and meditation
From the rising to the setting of the sun

All Your ways are loving and are faithful
Your road is narrow but Your burden light
Because You gladly lean to lead the humble
I shall gladly kneel to leave my pride

I will seek You in the morning
I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You’ll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days..

Last night, I had an argument with N. I was angry, bitter, and all the hurt came out like tidal waves. I went offline and was crying myself to sleep. I kept repeating, "I trust You, God." When I finally found some peace and stopped crying, I suddenly received a text message from him saying that he thinks we can no longer be friends. And he has cut me off from FB & MSN.

It hit me badly. Why, God, why? Earlier I was saying, "I trust in You", and now this happens? It hurt - a lot. But at the back of my mind, I knew one thing. God loves me too much to leave me the way I was: dependent, no other drive in life except him. And perhaps He knew one thing that I sort of knew, but didn't want to know - I needed to grow, without him.

A godly relationship is one whereby the couple can grow in God - together. I guess mine never was.. This is the rational me talking, when I turn off my feelings and emotions. I need to do that more often. But for now, like what HJ was saying, I need to be doing other things. And like what everyone else says, I need to be more open to new people. So for now, I guess I should leave the house instead of being cooped up in here for so long. Gona go to the library with my cousin & read up a little on activities I can do with my patient, and maybe I shall take him down to Haji Lane. Or somewhere. See what the weather is like.

"My soul clings to the dust;
Revive me according to Your word.
I have declared my ways, and You answered me;
Teach me Your statutes.
Make me understand the way of Your precepts;
So shall I meditate on Your wonderful works.
My soul melts from heaviness;
Strengthen me according to Your word.
Remove from me the way of lying,
And grant me Your law graciously.
I have chosen the way of truth;
Your judgments I have laid before me.
I cling to Your testimonies;
O Lord, do not put me to shame!
I will run the course of Your commandments,
For You shall enlarge my heart."

- Psalm 119:25-32 (NKJV)

Help Me

2010-09-13T11:50:00.001+08:00

"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference."

Saint Francis of Assisi

Love, Where Is Your Fire?

2010-09-12T19:40:00.002+08:00

Love, where is your fire? I've been sitting here smoking away
making signals with sticks and odd ends and bits, but there's no sign of a flame
Imposters have been passing, offering good-feeling glow
but I'm holding out for what you are about - an inferno that burns to the bone
some urge me to be temperate, lukewarm will never do

'Cos I, I wana (know I'll) blaze with you
So i'm holding my heart out to you
Holding my heart out

So I stand, handing out torches
speaking words that are lamps to their feet
Til the tine when you come and I'm whole and we are one and the fire in me is complete
Some tell me to be moderate but lukewarm will never do

Then a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind
That I'll offer you me and you'll politely decline (no thank you)
So I hasten to mute it, I'll shout and rebuke it - "away!"

This song is so beautiful. Wait for the one who completes you. Who will make you feel the true meaning of love. What is love? Love is a commitment - a commitment to walk together in spite of everything, to talk through issues and problems, to stay together even if the situation is not ideal. To be there for each other through thick and thin. Wait for the one.. who will give you that commitment. Love, where is your fire?

Side note: Some days I feel I am not living in the real world. Though I am at a particular place with a group of people, I always live with my phone. The people I talk to on my phone. And I hate that. It has become so natural for me now, especially to escape with my phone when the situation makes me uncomfortable. Today when I was talking to Jiji and spending time with the patient, I found a new-found freedom. Put the phone away, focus on the current situation. It felt... liberating..

My first home patient

2010-09-12T19:12:00.002+08:00

Today, I was doing QT before leaving the house. Sometimes when I do QT, I write. Reflections, thoughts, revelations. So today I was in a broken down state. And I wanted to write about how I wanted to stop feeling anything for N, how I wanted to move on with my life, how I could reprioritize my life again such that life can become a little bit more enjoyable as a single.

That was when I stumbled across this little scribble that I wrote, 4 years ago. This was during a period of time whereby I was being made to choose between listening to my elders and leaders, and to break up with N, or to stay with N. I was talking to my then-ministry leader of Costume & Make-up, telling her about my situation. She shared with me something along the lines of writing down certain attributes of your future partner, and I did that when I went home.

4 years on, I look at this note, and I feel almost amused. It came to mind about what Pastor Phil was sharing yesterday during service. God already has the solution before you have even had the problem. God did not forget this little list - perhaps He already knew long long long ago that this would come up, and so somehow, this little note was preserved and 4 years later, He is reminding me.. What are you looking for? If I can trust Him to preserve a small handwritten note, how much more can I trust Him with my potential significant other?

It is also a brilliant reminder of what I should be looking for in a partner. I love what I wrote - He must love God more than I do! Maybe that was what was lacking - & a reason why things never felt so complete. I trust You - & I will stand still & see the salvation of my God.

Besides that, I met Jiji at Woodlands today, and we took 2 buses to visit my very first patient ever since I was transferred to the Home team. When I was in Ward, I never had a chance to build up relationships, and myself already not being very eloquent in speech, find myself very stunted. In Home team however, I have a chance to interract one-on-one with a patient, & with an end goal in mind, I can focus on meeting it. I work better that way. Give me the end goal, and I will work my way towards it.

I had a great time too meeting Jiji. We talked about life on the way home, and she lives so close to me! It's brilliant. And something funny today - Clayder messaged me, and the message became 50% different by the time it reached me! His original message was about hills and mountains and things like that, but what I received was about horny girls. HAHA! It was so hilarious. It is like some phantom message, creepy, but hilarious!

2 presentations next week! Time to start pulling those powerpoints together! :p And my God is mighty to save!

What Else Do You Want?

2010-09-12T00:14:00.003+08:00

"good. it's therepeutic to think of it as all the shit in your mind coming out as curling, foggy swirls of grey smoke. & yet leaving some of the poison behind."

"my god. that was beautiful. my sentiments exactly when i started. now it's just f--- i need to."

"i hope i get out of this shithole before i hit that level."

"don't get into it man."

"yeah i'll take it slow. this for the damn shitty nights."

"f--- man you're brooding in it la. you know what's the easiest way? just pretend."

"i don't like fantasies, i like the truth even if it hurts a bunch. take it like a band aid & rip the sucker off. & when i bleed, i'll know at least it'll bleed over. i can either bleed 'til it heals, or bleed 'til i dry."

- Conver between E & J

!WOWOWOW!

2010-09-11T12:26:00.003+08:00

Argh, I am in love with this song. It's so mesmerizing.

Recently, I was reading about the art collective that Matthew Stone was a part of, called !WOWOWOW!, of which Matthew Stone said this:

"It was an opportunity to invest in what we believed in, rather than chipping off bits of our soul working as unpaid interns. The practicalities of not having to work meant that we could be playful with what we did, but some serious ideas came out of that ridiculous house."

Art has a profound effect on people. Sometimes, you can just stare at an artwork, or hear a musical piece, and you feel sucked in. For some peculiar reason. I remember starting art in JC, and never expecting myself to actually go to an art gallery and be able to stare at a painting, breaking it down into little segments and portions; seeing detail and brushwork. And slowly feel myself being sucked in...

But that was JC. A time whereby you knew that you were in the middle of being adolescent - and growing up. You still can experiment, still try new things, not having to deal with the realism of the world - yet.

Then you hit tertiary education. And you realize - you're chasing your future after this. You're dealing with real people, real profit/loss.. And all the fantastic work you used to do, or used to dream of - collides head-on with reality. The reality of will your work sell? Will people buy this? Will they understand my creative vision? Will they...?

Fast forward, 5 years from being 17 years old. Hello, 17 year old me. Did you ever think you would be here right now staring at your creative process journal, looking at your shitty work because you had to cut this corner, cut that corner, because of financials and commerciality? Did you think that creativity would ever be suffocated by reality?

The Pain of Losing

2010-09-09T19:34:00.002+08:00

Today, I managed to sit through 2 songs:

I Will Be There - Steven Curtis Chapman
So Close - John McLaughlin

If anyone remembers, I did post the 'So Close' song before and said I wanted it to be my wedding song. Haha! Days like these give me hope because I feel like there is a future, unlike what I told Clayder yesterday: "You can't let go of your past because you can't see a future."

I just heard from Juno that our timetables might be arranged to give us a 3-day week. I would have been super happy about that last time, but I feel like I have nothing to gain except more free time that I have no one to spend with. Haha, but we shan't dwell on the negatives today, Evans & Chen Bing are coming over to my area later for dinner and chilling. 'Til then, I need to finish up some work!

Sentosa with Clayder!

2010-09-09T00:58:00.004+08:00

My handphone is annoying. I swear, I charged it to full last night. This morning, no alarm woke me up because.. my phone's battery went flat.

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?!?!

But anyway, I didn't wake up that late, so it wasn't too bad. I messaged my lecturer explaining my predicament, and my estimated time of arrival. She said alright, so I made my way down.

The day started off with a slight drizzle, enough for my hoodie to take. Then halfway through my journey it became a torrential downpour. My feet were soaked, and I was wearing slippers and shorts!!

After class, I took the train down to Harbourfront to meet Clayder. We lunched at the kopitiam at Vivocity, and then went to the first floor to check out the weather. Clayder actually went out to stand in the open to 'gauge' the degree of rain. Hahaha. At first we wanted to buy Heineken and just sit on the roof of Vivo and blab, but we decided to go ahead to Sentosa anyway and try our luck, hoping that the area wasn't too wet, and there was an indoor seating area. I AM SO GLAD WE TOOK THE LATTER OPTION!

We took the awesome beach tram down to Tanjong Beach, and the Tanjong Beach Club was so much nearer than expected to the tram stop! On the map, it looked like it was stretches away! It is a really cool, chill-out kind of place I really enjoyed. The staff were readily available, ambience was nice (save for the construction and ships in the background - as usual), and drinks/food were good.

We took a nice bed by the pool (haha, a pool at a beach, hmm) and we just lay there with our drinks talking about everything and anything in particular - one large part of our conversation was about relationships. No surprise, since we are both in a similar predicament. But anyway, guess how long we lay there..

We were at the bar around 3, and managed to snag a bed around 4. We left at 8PM. LOL. Anyway that's his Tanjong Martini (very fruity sweet, rather pleasing to drink), and my Dark & Deep (sourish with a touch of red wine + orange bitters, but it grows on you over time). And our Truffle fries! Rather nice, and a substantial portion for $14. We added in a Heineken after that because he was gian-ing for alcohol. The bed was a little sandy, but overall it was a very pleasant experience. I really thought I could fall asleep there to the sound of the waves and the chill-out music, it was bliss! Also if you have the right company, of course. I really enjoyed my company..

He yawns a lot when he's sitting on trains/trams/monorails and makes a lot of sound effects and I always tell him I am going to throw something in his mouth if he doesn't close it.

Anyway, I am dead shagged, I don't know why. Have to start on work tomorrow for my presentation next week, blah. GOODNIGHT!

Provider

2010-09-07T22:30:00.002+08:00

One of those days when you wish you could come home to a comfortable bed, familiar surroundings, and someone who knows you through and through so you can talk about anything & everything with.

Then I realised, I don't have the latter..

Are you hoping for a miracle?

2010-09-06T18:38:00.002+08:00

Spent today at SMU with Vithiya. We studied. Or tried to, at least. Enjoyed the company & time spent walking around. It feels great to make new memories.

I am in that process now, of making new ones to override the previous ones. Have you ever been to a place where you made a memory? If it were good, you might feel a sense of loss, if that person you made the memory with is no longer with you. If it were a bad memory made, you would probably be filled with dread or just a sense of annoyance, or maybe even hurt.

Through the weeks, I realized that whenever I go to a place that I have some memories of with him, I tend to become brooding & sad towards the end of the day because some emptiness has found its way into my soul. Cityhall is one place. I remember things like shopping for a dress for Jac's wedding, & then having a good dinner at Shokudo. And then we spent a good time chatting under moonlight with the NDP preview's fireworks in the background. Things like that. Vivo was another place, I went there on Saturday. All I saw was Marche, where we went for his birthday last year. The steps where I let him preview his birthday cupcakes. The open area we went to just to hang out.

I want to override, such that when I go to such places, I won't feel anything anymore. I was wondering, how long was it before I stopped feeling a little twinge in my heart whenever I passed by a TCC, Toa Payoh, or CHJIMES? A few months, maybe about 3 to 4? Some places no longer cause such disturbances any longer, and I hope as time passes by, even more of them will no longer..

Going to Vivo again on Wednesday. C knows I get emo about Vivo; he said he'll try his best so that I won't think about bad stuff. Haha, a true bro indeed..

What are you really looking for?

2010-09-05T18:55:00.002+08:00

Oh it seemed forever stopped today
All the lonely hearts in London
Caught a plane and flew away
And all the best women are married
All the handsome men are gay
You feel deprived

Yeah are you questioning your size?
Is there a tumour in your humour,
Are there bags under your eyes?
Do you leave dents where you sit,
Are you getting on a bit?
Will you survive
You must survive

When there's no love in town
This new century keeps bringing you down
All the places you have been
Trying to find a love supreme
A love supreme

Oh what are you really looking for?
Another partner in your life to
abuse and to adore?
Is it lovey dovey stuff,
Do you need a bit of rough?
Get on your knees

Yeah turn down the love songs that you hear
'Cause you can't avoid the sentiment
That echoes in your ear
Saying love will stop the pain
Saying love will kill the fear
Do you believe
You must believe
When there's no love in town
This new century keeps bringing you down
All the places you have been
Trying to find a love supreme
A love supreme

I spy with my little eye
Something beginning with (ah)
Got my back up
And now she's screaming
So I've got to turn the track up
Sit back and watch the royalties stack up
I know this girl she likes to switch teams
And I'm a fiend but I'm living for a love supreme

When there's no love in town
This new century keeps bringing you down
All the places you have been
Trying to find a love supreme
A love supreme

Come and live a love supreme
Don't let it get you down
Everybody lives for love

Word today was AWESOME. I love Pastor Tan's preaching, it's so structured and so logical, & I absorb that the best. Hung out with some of the CG members for a bit after a very unsatisfying lunch, & then reflected a little on the bus ride home. I see the way he has become, the way he thinks. Then I wonder, will I be able to talk to him the way we used to once this all blows over completely? Or has he gone down a totally different route that will shape him in a totally different way?

I deleted all our photographs yesterday from my computer, and took out that polaroid of us from my wallet. I burned the photographs into CDs (we had too many files and it took up 4 CDs!!) and passed it to him today. What he wants to do with it is his own business, but I am through with my part. No more photographs, or cute little gifts, or cards. Everything gone.

There was a fork in the road, and it divided into two paths. What I feel right now is that we are on completely diverging paths. Probably a good thing, seeing how much he is enjoying what he is doing. However, I always felt he was just living in the 'now' moment - so easily shaped by his new environment, his new group of people. Like what one of my members was saying, he has really become 'a university kid'. I wonder, when I went into Lasalle, did I have such a change and become 'a Lasalle kid'? I believe that I still am who I was when I entered Lasalle, and came out a little more knowledgable, a little more sociable, a little more outspoken; but I never compromised on who I am, my friends, and the people I cared about. Not the way he did.

"Why do I bother, when you're not the one for me?"

I left a relationship heartbroken, but it really opened my eyes to see that I had been living in a little bubble for so long. I closed doors because my affections were for him. Now that I have 'escaped' my bubble, I am facing a new and very real world, and I see people in my life who will be there for the long haul - not just a bunch of people that I can rar-rar but never share serious & deeper conversations.

I leave you with a quote I saw on Joy's FB, love it:

Falling in love should not make you 'love-crazy', but to add on to your already happy life.

- Kandee Johnson

I think I was 'love-crazy'. Now I am off to discove a happy life without an 'other half'. And when I finally meet the right one... bliss :)

:)

2010-09-04T01:13:00.002+08:00

An acoustic version of Eminem's 'Love the Way You Lie'. Awesomeeee!

LOL! This is hilarious. What's your motivation??

I woke up late today! :) Yesterday night, my stomach was murder, so sleeping in today to recuperate (and catch up on work that I couldn't do because of my stomach was a legit reason:p). Juno gave me a call at around 1 and scared the crap out of me, because I thought maybe something was up at school, so I quickly made my way down.

Did consultation. Honestly, I put in minimal effort for studio, because no matter what I do, it always seems like I did something wrongly, and then I have to redo a whole bunch of things. So, my work was very minimal, I didn't try too hard. The funniest thing was that it worked! No major complaints apparently.

After consultation, I took a bus that was packed like sardines to Takashimaya to meet dear Evans. He was getting his Iphone 4 today. WE WAITED SO FRIGGIN' LONG! Then met ChenBing and Mingli for dinner at Burger King. A very fast one because we were late. I hope I don't get indigestion. A long train ride later to Marsiling, and we made it in time for praise!

CGM was awesome, as usual. Great presence, great word, great fellowship, cute cats!! We headed off to BB Macs after that to chill out. Passed up the opportunity to mahjong at JM's house again & went home with ChenBing.

I know I am typing everything out in excruciating detail, but I was just thinking, months later when I look back, I want to see how I dealt with the break-up, what I was doing, how I felt, how I overcame. I think it would be interesting too for others to see how different people react to valleys in their life. I think I am making good progress, therefore I want to remember..

The upcoming week is flooded with activity!

SAT: Ministry Team-building + VAMPIRES SUCK wit YW + Sminty
MON: Breakfast with Vithiya + Sminty + Usual swim with Qinny, I hope!
WED: SENTOSA WITH CLAYDER :D Beach, alcohol, sun, sea breeze. Ahhhh CAN'T WAIT! :) He's going to bring me to this beach club, and if the prices are insane, we are going to buy Heineken and rot at Vivo. Good plan eh, haha.
THURS: Shopping with Fuyuan
FRI: CG

Living with zero expectation

2010-09-03T11:11:00.002+08:00

Ted: You know how some exes can't be friends because of all that lingering sexual tension?

Robin: Yeah?

Ted: Gone. Thank you.

- "How I Met Your Mother" Season 3: The Yips

Troy House

Just something reflective: sometimes in life, we need to approach things with zero expectations. Especially now, when I have chosen to do something most people would not be doing. I would admit it does have its potenial pitfalls, if not handled correctly. People don't owe you anything, and I love what Paula said, that everybody has their own path to go. Well, she said something more poetic which I can't really replicate at the moment.

Two nights ago, I learned of something, which I think helped me a lot. Well, on the short term it did, but we shall see the effects of the long term later on. Yesterday, I was watching 'How I Met Your Mother' when I heard of this quote. And it kind of clicks. Surprisingly, all I needed was something like that to make me sit up and go, "What the hell? I'm losing sleep and time and emotions over someone who does this?" And my emotional self curls back into a ball and retreats into the recesses of me.

That night, it hurt quite a bit to know that your ex of 4.5 years has been having an infatuation with someone else. But when I woke up the next morning, it was that "What the hell?" statement that ran through my head.

Last night, I was out with HJ & Cheryl for dinner (& I pampered myself with some shopping, hehe), and I saw many couples. It was a very hollow experience, to say the least, but I think I shall get over it soon. As I walked through places and thought of the times I used to walk through them hand-in-hand with someone, I realized, I didn't miss the person as much as I missed just having someone special in my life.

God has been an amazing pillar of support. When eveything is stripped away, you realize He is the most faithful lover. All loves can fail you, but His is stronger. So, so, so much stronger.

Always

2010-09-02T14:58:00.003+08:00

One of my favourite worship songs has to be this from Hillsong.

Did You rise the sun for me?
Or paint a million stars that I might know Your majesty?
Is Your voice upon the wind?
Is everything I know marked with my Maker's fingerprints?

Breathe on me,
let me see Your face.
Ever I will seek You.

'Cause all You are,
is all I want.
Always.
Draw me close
in Your arms,
oh God,
I wana be with You.

Can I feel You in the rain?
Abandon all I am to have You capture me again?
Let the earth resound with praise,
can You hear that all creation is to glorify one Name?

Jesus, it's all I want to do,
is just be with You.
I love You, Lord,
I love You, Lord.
Ever I will seek You..

I really love it because it's like a little child, full of a sense of wonder. It's like when you first discover God. He's everywhere. And suddenly everything is magical. Can I feel You in the rain? Did You rise the sun for me?

still always a reason to praise!

2010-09-02T14:24:00.001+08:00

No matter what valley, what circumstance, how people fail me, I still believe,

I will always have reason to praise.

From Pastor Kong's FB update:

"Practice HOPE. As hopefulness becomes a habit, you can achieve a permanently happy spirit" (N. V. Peale). Jesus Christ - our HOPE of glory!

Anger

2010-09-01T21:29:00.003+08:00

I saw some of your photographs on Facebook today. And it brought back to mind the harsh reality of all this that I am going through. How everything started unravelling. Honestly, I think it was mostly because you decided to let it continue unravelling. And because you began to see things, especially in the first 2 weeks of Orientation camps, what you were missing out on, and what you were unsatisfied with.

1) You were unsatisfied because I was not from NUS. I was from Lasalle. I would never understand and never be a part of this brand new thing in your life. Hi, were you ever a part of my Lasalle life and did that ever bother me? No. Did you even manage to take out time to see my Diploma show? No. Did it bother me? Still no.

2) You were unsatisfied because you saw D---- & W----, how she came for the orientation camps and how happy they were together. You wanted someone more rar-rar, who would fit in better with your new-found friends.

3) You started saying that I was too 'emotionally dependent' & how you began thinking of the future, how I would call you in the middle of meetings. (?!) Honestly, we have only been meeting once a week (except for CGMs and services) for the last 4 months. & like what JM said, you just had a change of priorities. Spending time became an obligation for you.

4) You didn't want to spend too much time on me, you wanted time to focus on your studies, your university life, your university friends. You got it. I hope you are happy with your outings and other social gatherings, even having one on Friday when you know there is CGM. There are 4 other days in a week, you chose Friday - and in a week, you see your university friends often enough. How often do you see your CG members? You don't join us for our dinners, you serve every alternate week. Where is your heart? Where are you building your friendships?

5) You say I drain you emotionally. Now that I think back, perhaps I already felt the distance growing. And therefore I was pressing in to talk to you more. Because of our difference in expectations - you wanting to back off more and me wanting to press in more - we fought, a lot.

6) You are waiting for a better option. In life, you will always meet someone better. When it comes down to the line, it was always about how much you are willing to work at something. Because of this choice you made, I already know for sure, that there is someone better out there. One who will take a relationship more seriously and deal with its issues more appropriately. I always say the same thing - I hope you find everything that you need. Maybe one day, when this cools off, we can be friends again - but even so as friends, I will never trust you the same way again.

We're alright now

2010-09-01T16:35:00.002+08:00

"We're alright now,
gona break down the breakdown.
Move from where we stand,
see what we don't wana see.

There is nothing we can do to get past this.
Nothing you could've said,
baby, please don't fret.
Our time has moved past us.

..but I need to feel strong, baby,
without you."

There was a time, close to the end of last year, when I couldn't stand to hear the song, 'Vanilla Twilight'. Why? Because it reminded me of somebody who managed to hurt me. I would remember the lyrics he used, and whenever the song played on MP3, I would quickly hit the 'next' button. Or if it played on TV, I would walk away. Today, it played, and I managed to sit through the whole song. It doesn't affect me anymore. 1 year. Maybe by this time next year, I will be able to feel more in one piece, hopefully with somebody I know I can spend the rest of my life with.

Rev John Avanzini preached this during Asia Conference this year, how we are all 'reward-motivated'. So, 2 days. That was what I challenged myself. And of course, someone needs to 'referee' you, that's how Clayder got involved. Extra incentive to stay on track. Haha. So tomorrow while I am out having dinner, I am gona get me that F21 necklace for sustaining. This definitely also helps the process. After 2 days, it will be 5 days, a week, a month.. & soon it will all fade away..

Dynamite!

2010-08-31T23:57:00.004+08:00

This is my soundtrack,

"I want to celebrate & live my life,
baby let's go,
'cause we're gona rock this club,
we're gona go all night,
we're gonna light it up like it's dynamite."

Source

Hopefully, hopefully. Haha. Had a really good class today. For ONCE, a teacher actually had something exceptionally good to say about my work. FINALLY. After that, I went home to finish up my questionnaire & hurried over to Jingmin's house for mahjong & drinks. I knocked off one before though, Evans told me later that they noticed. But anyway, I won ONCE, hahaha. But like Evans said, is like jiao xue fei (pay school fees). So okay la. Not bad for my rusty mahjong skills. I'm just not very observant. Think I drank a little too much though, but I am glad it's within a 'safe' group of people. It feels great, this safety. To feel safe with someone or with people, that's one thing I really love and miss in my life.

Exploring, pushing boundaries, not being afraid to do things. I think that's one good quality trait, if done with a certain amount of control and restraint, is one very good thing that we should all experience in life. Then, you will never wonder a few years down the road when you are settled down and in the prime adult years of your life, what it could have been to be young, crazy, wild & free.

Hey you, I am half grateful, half depressed. Hope you're having it better than me, since all lines of communication are broken so I have completely no idea what is happening in your life. But I know I am strong, and I will be stronger!

Other things I thought about today: fresh new bedsheets!! :D:D:D

Blessed

2010-08-31T14:10:00.002+08:00

You give and take away,
You give and take away,
my heart will choose to say,
Lord, blessed be Your name!

Zeph 3:17

2010-08-30T22:12:00.002+08:00

Technology is truly wonderful. I have this app on my Motorola Droid called 'Daily Bible', and it sends me a verse every night. Okay, it sends me verses at like, 1 to 3 AM in the dead of night and wakes me up when my phone continually is flashing. One day I will figure out if there is a way to adjust the time at which it sends verse. Anyway, it is a great encouragement, especially when you haven't read the bible all day.

Yesterday, the verse given was Zephaniah 3:17:

"The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty One who will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness
He will quiet you by His love;
He will exult over you with loud singing."

It gave me some peace before sleeping. It's still a rather horrible time, and sometimes I think I have made it over, but actually I haven't! The pain is still very, very raw and sometimes I really feel like I am sinking. Thank God for amazing friends who are always there to listen to me, read my whiny SMSes, & volunteer to spend time with me.

Please bear with me with regards to my FB & tweets, some days are really horrible & I just need to get those toxic emotions out. Once I consistently partake in this 'de-toxing' process, perhaps then I will be able to move forward with my life.

Some days when I am at the worst level of emotional pain, I really have no idea where God is. I feel like I am at the pit, the vey rock-bottom, and God is somewhere up there in the sky. I suppose that is where friends come in. They give you strength. Once I got off the phone with Reagan, I felt more strengthenned and empowered, and I worshipped. & He was there.. never failing love..

If I could change, I would

2010-08-30T18:28:00.003+08:00

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change

Toxic Emotions

2010-08-30T17:23:00.003+08:00

i'm dancing with tears in my eyes,
just fighting to get through the night.
i'm faded,
i'm broken inside.

when did i become such a hypocrite?
double life, lies that you caught me in.

on the floor, i'm just a zombie.
who i am, is not who i wana be.

never thought i'd be in pieces,
left behind..

Lara Stone's 'Bloody Valentine'

Toxic emotions,
time waster,
hypocrite.
All my own choice,
all my own fault,
all my own undoing.

I hope you're happy..

Say that we will be together, you and me in love forever.

2010-08-28T13:02:00.002+08:00

julie/juliet

"and it's all in how you mix the two,
and it starts just where the light exists.
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
it burns a hole through everyone that feels it."

I really love those lyrics from The Used's 'Blue & Yellow'. Simply because of how it addresses a subconscious phenomenon that seems to exist, of how there are many different sides to people.

"it's all in how you mix the two.."

People are complex. We have different sides to ourselves that we show to different people. Two, three, or maybe more. But it all coexists in one body.

"& it starts just where the light exists.."

Only in light, there is sight. Coexistence only becomes obvious when the other party sees it. Otherwise, it exists only in the subconscious.

"it's a feeling that you cannot miss, and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it."

Do you feel this conflict? I do. And so, I seek to express it. For me, only in expression may I be free.

I picked up the name Juliet when I was in JC. Back then, I used to sign my name with a cross at the back, and many people mistook it for a 'T'. Because of that, this subconscious name, Juliet, always stuck with me. Of course, it also has associations to the tragic romance of Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet, which further added to the romanticism that appealed to me. Furthermore, my own relationship was going through a period of love-hate, and phases in life were challenging. Of course, who else can save you, except yourself? There had to be some part within me that could give me hope that I could get through all this.

Juliet soon became an expression for me; in JC I only knew how to express through art. So at that moment this name became almost like a namesake to represent artistic freedom. Other times, I felt trapped in a relationship, and this name became a representation of 'death' and liberation, just as of Shakespeare's tragic tale. In death, the problem was solved, and in a sense, I wanted to 'die' out of the relationship and regain my freedom.

I changed my Facebook name back to 'Julie' for a moment in time when Nicholas was complaining of how his friends were calling me Juliet. Maybe then, I decided to be real to myself, strip away the romanticized and glamourized escapism, try to make him happy. Only after the breakup did I change it back to 'Juliet'. Julie, to me, always refers to the safe, the conventional, the 'planned route', the resigned acceptance to the way I was. Juliet, on the other hand, was a source of hope, of abandonment, of artistic expression, of exploration & experimentation.. And in my life, I always believed that everyone needs to find their balance, their in-betweener. I am always trying to find a balance between my 'Julie' and my 'Juliet'. Have you?

To my future

2010-08-28T00:36:00.003+08:00

I've had enough of this parade.
I'm thinking of the words to say.
We open up unfinished parts,
Broken up, it's only love.

And when I see you then I know it will be next to me
And when I need you then I know you will be there with me
I'll never leave you...

Just need to get closer, closer,
Lean on me now,
Lean on me now,
closer, closer,
Lean on me now,
Lean on me now.

Keep waking up (waking up), without you here (without you here).
Another day (another day), another year (another year).
I seek the truth (seek the truth), we set apart (we set apart)
Second glance, a second chance.

And when I see you then I know it will be next to me
And when I need you then I know you will be there with me
I'll never leave you...

Just need to get closer, closer,
Lean on me now,
Lean on me now,
closer, closer,
Lean on me now,
Lean on me now (lean on me now).

And when I see you then I know it will be next to me
And when I need you then I know you will be there with me
I'll never leave you... just need to get...

Just need to get closer, closer,
Lean on me now,
Lean on me now,
closer, closer,
Lean on me now,
Lean on me now (lean on me now).

closer, closer... closer, closer.

Source

Dear you,

I find myself thinking of you today, and I am all smiles. I wish I could see you sooner, but everything has its own time, right? I know that if we take everything slow this time, it is going to be perfect. Beautiful. And it is going to feel just right.

I know that you will be perfect for me, and though we will have our differences, we will be able to communicate effectively to solve problems. And, instead of creating tensions that rip us apart, our differences will be perfect complements of each other; having you in my life is going to make me a better person and vice versa.

This time, I will not make the mistake of being too dependent emotionally on you. My self-assurance and self-esteem will be built on better foundations that will never waste away. Instead of adding to your burdens, let me carry some of them for you. I want to support you in all the ways possible, to the best of my ability.

I can't wait to see you. I can't wait to put my arms around you and feel the warmth of your being. I want to run my hands through your hair, and feel you pulling me closer. I want to smell your shirt and forever associate this scent with warmth, security, and acceptance. I want to look into your eyes and see a future, see acceptance, see the heart-warming assurance that we will always be there for each other, through good & bad. We will work through the bad times, laugh through the rest.

I can't wait to see your smile. I'll bet it takes my breath away and lights up the fibres of my being. I can't wait to be there for you, to sit by the river in complete acceptance of each other and talking of the things in our heart.

I can't wait to meet you. I'm waiting for you. And I know that as I love God with all of my heart, all of my soul, and all of my being, I can have full trust & assurance knowing that this good thing will come to pass. There's somebody out there who was made for me, and I will be waiting. And 'til that time comes, my life will go in, in full, vivid, blossoming colour. And when I am finally ready, I know He will bring you into my life, at the right time, in the most right of ways.

Love, Me.

P.S: Going to Hong Kong soon!! Can't wait!! :):):):)

Quote of the Day

2010-08-26T23:14:00.002+08:00

"Sometimes, you just have to stop caring, turn off all emotion & feeling.. simply to protect yourself from getting hurt."

You don't know how badly words can hurt. I'm glad you're finally in the winning position, being able to kick or gather as you please. Just because I am nothing to you now, doesn't mean you can treat me as and how you like. Over time, even a friendship would disappear.

But, like the quote says. Just to protect myself. I need to stop caring. Turn off all emotion & feeling with regard to this. You're not the only one with projects & assignments & deadlines. Not the only one who is clueless about a bunch of things. Switching off.

I miss..

2010-08-26T00:23:00.003+08:00

I miss the happy times we used to have, how we can wander around laughing, talking..

I miss being able to be completely myself around you, feeling completely secure in your presence, because I know you know me through and through, and you accepted me..

I miss seeing you smile, being there when you're upset, stressed, frustrated..

I miss holding your hand and walking from shop to shop, place to place, leaning into your embrace as we go up or down the escalators..

I miss calling you baby, or giving you that annoyed 'DEAR AH!'..

I miss the lazy moments we spend at home or anywhere else, sitting down and not doing anything..

I miss sitting down at a food place and watching you go join the queue without a word, because you know exactly what I would order..

I miss looking back on the past 4.5 years and knowing that we had a future, all the photos in our archives were momentos, checkpoints we managed to get over..

I miss.. you.

I wish it were back to the way it was. Maybe one day..

Living under a loaded gun

2010-08-25T21:31:00.003+08:00

Gareth Rhys Photography

I have finally managed to find that kick that I needed in my schoolwork. Simply because after a week of grumbling, whining, grousing, I realised I needed to learn how to step over it. It also helps when God plants some good ideas into your head; or at least ideas that you are passionate about and make you excited about continuing something. It also helps when your teachers give some direction, and not tell you things like, "I'm not in your head, I am just here to make sure you manage your time."

But let's slow down for a bit to appreciate the smaller things..

I decided that my heart needed some therapy, and what better way to achieve that than by expessing through a guitar. Eventually, I picked this song to learn, and the chords were surprisingly easy to pick up. Just need to find a better strumming pattern.

After Tuesday's lesson, I met Clayder at Cityhall MRT (we were playing Where's Waldo), and then we walked to Carrefour to find his game + my hairbrush. Well, we found the game, but surprisingly not the hairbrush. & I think our communication skills are really horrible, somehow we always misunderstand each other or go off frequency for a little while. But that doesn't stop us from having a pretty good time! We ate dinner at Qiji (forgot about the milk bit though, with the milk tea), and then we visited That CD Shop to check out all his High Society music. A train ride next to Changi Airport, and we parted at T2.

We bade farewell to Rowena..

Tonight, my heart is a little heavy. I hate question marks in my future. I thought I knew you, I thought I knew that it was okay to hope for a future, because I still had a place in your heart. You can't even tell me anything and it throws me into an unstable place. The guy I thought I knew is gone, and in his place is a hollow shell, shying away from emotions. I haven't given up on you, but you have already given up on me. "Don't hope. Just live life without me." This statement already shows me a lot, because this is a dead-end sort of statement. Can you hear the passing of the judgment in this mere sentence? "Just live life without me." So easy to? Might be easy for someone who has already stopped loving. This is why I cannot understand this huge grey area, filled with uncertainty, living for the now. No, that's not the way I live. I live thinking of my future. I live to build my future career, my future family, my future network of friends. I never live just to complete one assignment, complete one project. This is why a relationship mattered so much to me. My possible future family is one essential piece of the puzzle.

Randoms

2010-08-23T18:43:00.002+08:00

Fashion Adoption: Role Theory

People perform their life roles as if they were players on a stage. Visual cues such as clothing choices are components of the roles being played. Role theory suggests that our outward appearances are selected to explain our roles in society.

Symbolic Interaction (as presented by Herbert Blumer in 1969 in the book: "Symbolic Interationism: Perspective & Method") expands on Role Theory to explain that the human process of social interaction creates meanings for the people involved through language and thought associated by & resulting in interactive communication.

See, I am doing my work. I have been reading my books & doing random exercises 'til my brain is buzzing. Also could be due to the cup of coffee + artificial sweetener.

I think I have an interesting topic for my 6,000 word essay now! No, nothing to do with Role Theory, unfortunately.

Feel Again

2010-08-23T14:29:00.004+08:00

I believe that in time my heart will heal again
And I believe that in time my heart will feel again

So I keep on holding on
So I keep on being strong

'Cause I know one thing I'm gonna feel again
I know one day I'm gonna feel again
And I know although my heart hurts now
I'll find a way to get up off the ground
'Cause I know one thing I'm gonna feel again

I believe that this heart of mine can make it through
And I believe that my heart can make it over you

So I keep on holding on
So I keep on being strong

And though it's hard for me to breathe
And even harder to believe
I know the one thing I'm gonna find
I'm gonna be just fine

'Cause I know one day I'm gonna feel again
I know one day I'm gonna feel again
And I know although my heart hurts now
I'll find a way to get up off the ground
'Cause I know one thing I'm gonna feel again

I am Juliet, again.

Yesterday night, I didn't feel like doing work, so I was playing with photoshop, colouring my lips and eyes various hues.

Saturday night, I had dinner with Rowie, TWT, LF, Jingru & Qinny at Commonwealth eating zi char. Prior to this, I had no clue what zi char refers to. Call myself a Singaporean, huh!

After dinner, I went home to change and met Jun Hong at Zouk. Funnily, I never went into the club. Because seriously, Zouk is one of my least favourite places to be. It is crowded and you can barely move!

Next morning, met Evans & Chen Bing for breakfast (though late, hehe) and we went for service. After service, hung out with a few of them at Jurong Point, and then headed home. As you can tell, I am STILL not doing work. Brilliant.

Okay, I am going to do it now. HAH SO THERE. I AM GOING TO SIT MY ASS ON THIS CHAIR AND READ THESE DAMN BOOKS!

C.Y.O.A

2010-08-21T17:20:00.002+08:00

My life feels like this video right now. Not entirely in all its glamour, but in its chaos and smiles and a whole hubbub of losing yourself.

My life is school, music, late nights, groggy mornings, repeat.

Thursday night was spent at home. My cousin came over around 11 to have supper with me and provide some company. Think he understands night is the shittiest time when you're getting over a break-up. LOL. We had a good night talking over prata and teh tarik! But this episode, no matter how small the gesture, speaks volumes to me about the people I currently have in my life. They are available, they care, they are there. It is immense, humbling, and entirely amazing.

Friday night was uncertain because initially there was a lot of chatter about what we were going to be doing, but by Friday noon we were still not set with a concrete plan. Haha. So after a (very aggravating) day in school, the original plan (I thought) was just dinner at Macs with Chen Bing & Elijah. Very no frills and super casual right? I went home to change into shorts & slippers.

Imagine my surprise first when I realised Billy & Tai An were together with Chen Bing. Haha. So okay, great, a quiet night with the 4 of them. We ended up playing bridge in Macs (LOL) and then our entourage slowly expanded through the night to include Caleb, Tabitha, and then a semi-drunkard we shall dub Evans.

Our bridge game in the middle of Macs soon became a pool game at the civil servant's club across the road. How's that for improvisation! Played one game with Caleb against Billy & Elijah (and lost), then played Daidee with Evans and Tabitha (& rotating players throughout the whole game for the 4th spot, hahah). It was a great night, I knocked out by 3AM and woke up the next morning at 1PM. HAHA.

Meeting some friends for dinner now! CIAO!

Don't waste the pretty

2010-08-19T21:04:00.002+08:00

In a painful breakup? Alison Iraheta has a motivational pep song for all the heartbroken ladies out there!

Dust it off, break it down
Get to what we're talking about
To what we're talking about
Don't try and hide it now
Why keep on working it out
You can't keep working it out

Cause I see how he's putting you down
I just can't be around
What you doing this for?
Cause the light in you's starting to fade
Don't let it get away
Girl, you're worth so much more

Don't waste the pretty on him
Don't waste the pretty on pain
When it gets too much to take, don't give it away
Don't waste the pretty on life
Soon it's gonna fly on by
Whatever way you gotta say it
Don't waste the pretty, yeah

Sit back and breathe it in
Look at how lucky we are
Look at how lucky we are
This life I'm living in
You gotta follow your heart
And you know I'm never too far

Away from the pain in your eyes
I can see your disguise
But it's not too late
'Cos I know you can turn this around
Don't be scared, work it out
Listen when I say

And just in case you need reminding
Girl you're beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
And there ain't no use in you hiding
'Cos you're beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, yeah

What happens when wrong becomes truth and truth becomes wrong?

2010-08-19T17:06:00.002+08:00

"Schizophrenic"

Haven't been posting much fashion imagery for awhile. So I thought, why not, might be fun to browse again.

Has been a roller-coaster week, to say the least. Some days are good. Some days are bad. Some days are really, really bad. Yesterday was good and bad. Thought there was a flicker of hope there. But by night, it had turned into a sad, sad situation. Feeling like crap, I decided that I needed to go out & forget a lot of things. That was how I decided to meet Enliang. We met at Hoover Park and I was roaming around for a bit before I found him looking like a junkie in the back seat of his car puffing away.

It was a good night filled with Heineken, whiskey shots (omg, I couldn't bring myself to do it, haha), bitter Marlboro cigarettes, philosophies, poetry, and musings about life. Oh and the occasional fatass roach. I love such chill-out sessions, not needing to worry about the next day or the time, just sitting there enjoying the quietness and stillness of the night.

That night got me thinking. The cogs in my mind started working and I wrote this in my sketchbook:

"What if..
the world you knew, was all wrong?
everything you knew to be true, was all wrong?

When the wrong became truth
and the truth became wrong,

what happened...?"

What really constitutes this 'world that I knew'?
In a nutshell,

- love
- aversion to substances
- cautiousness was an asset
- lack of stimulation, relying on self for stimulation

What makes something wrong, and what makes something right?

One thing I have noticed, is that often, creative types have a penchant for stimulation - in whatever form. Which is also understandable, since without stimulation or some form of inspiration, how can you create a work of art? Smoking, weed, alcohol, caffeine fixes etc. For awhile, it never interested me. And maybe because being in a secure, stable, happy relationship, I was very much deterred from such a lifestyle.

When the strings have been loosed, and I find myself being cast into the dark deep waters, I am frightened by the stillness of the night, the blindness of the deep.. above all, the stillness..

What then, would be the normal scenario to embrace? Time. "Time heals what reason cannot" says Enliang. We are all prisoners of Time, unfortunately. Time will never slow, never speed, it just, keeps going.. And so the pain feels like it's constantly, going..

Yesterday, I was exposed to a new world of reality. Reality isn't flowers and blossoms and rainbows and candies. It has that, but I would like to think of it as hard pavement lined with flowers, blossoms, rainbows and candies. We walk the pavement, we fall on the pavement and skin our knees, but we can detour to the sides sometimes, to sniff the roses.

This new vision, it feels real. It feels solid. It feels, liberating..

"Do I dare
disturb the universe?
In a minute, there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse."

- The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, Thomas Stearns Eliot (1888-1965)

Enliang read me that poem yesterday off his Droid. It's beautiful. The rhythmn of the words are like gentle currents under moonlight skies.

If God is for us

2010-08-15T23:47:00.002+08:00

The days are okay, I can feel hope, I can put things to the back of my mind.
In the night, when the skies are dark, the loneliness and emptiness sets in.
Night is the time where I feel the pain bubbling to the surface,
and I end up crying and crying, not knowing how to stop.
In the pain, a Saviour comes so silently,
that the first few nights, I didn't even know Him to be there.

He calms the storms in my heart,
gives me peace to tide over any tensions.
He teaches me to trust,
shows me how I have not been drawing from Him the love, affection, the reassurance I so dearly desired.
Instead, I always derived those from him.
No wonder he always felt so drained by me.

Shattered glass might be put back together,
but will leave traces of its broken-ness.
Can glass pieces be melted down to be reformed?

this isn't what i'm used to, she cried.

2010-08-14T20:45:00.003+08:00

just gona stand there and watch me burn,
but that's alright because i like the way it hurts.
just gona stand there and hear me cry,
but that's alright because i love the way you lie.
i love the way you lie.

I have been letting my brain cells die for too long.
Since I came home, I have been doing one of the below:

-crying
-talking on the phone
-mindlessly surfing facebook
-watched how i met your mother

Anyway, some of my favourite people came over yesterday night!
We spent the night playing Monopoly Deal and Saboteur.
As well as eat cake and drink coke with vodka.
It was so funny, there was this particular incident whereby I picked up an obviously black marker and asked them, "Is this blue?" before proceeding to draw on a scrap paper. They thought I was drunk.

The cake we decorated at Icing Room & made Simin walk around 313 thinking that all of us weren't there yet.

Indulging our artistic sides with a self-made collage for Sminty to hang in her room.

My friends who are always there :)

We slept at about 4 plus, and woke up the next morning to have Macs breakfast:)
Followed by a brief few rounds of Ugly Doll and then we watched Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Hahah. Drove them down to Bugis, whereby I got lost among the roads which all lead to carparks!! So annoying, I think I wasted a lot of money on the ERP gantries. And of course, passing by those places makes me think of various happy moments I used to spend with him.

Eg: Plaza Sing - Valentine's day before army, 21st birthday

I hate the way things turned out. Sometimes I feel proud of how long we have lasted. Right now, I feel sad looking at pictures of other couples; observing how well they look together and how happy they look together.

Sometimes, I am overwhelmed with anger and hate for you; after all that you have said and done, I do not understand what happened now. "I didn't move, I was here all the while."

I thought I saw a future, I thought I was set. Just goes to show how much can change in a few days. You saw another door opening and it was so much more appealing than the place you were at. Then you turned and walked away.

i used to..

2010-08-12T17:56:00.003+08:00

I used to date a guy named J.
We never got together.
But when he said things weren't working out,
I was in denial for awhile.
I remember I was still on internship then,
how that particular week passed extra slowly,'
how I would stare emotionlessly at computer screens while Adam Lambert's 'What Do You Want From Me' and Rihanna's 'Russian Roulette' blared on my earpiece.

It was only a slight infatuation, why were the effects of it 'not-working-out' exponentially greater?

I used to date a guy named N.
We were together for 4.5 years.
He said things weren't working out.
I honestly feel that I have lost my best friend, my potential soulmate.
They say you will always find someone better.
I want to believe that.

When J and I were through,
I caved many times by messaging him.
The true recovery began when I stopped.
Today, J and I don't talk - at all. We've both moved on.
So, I wil apply what I learnt from J, to N.

Ceasefire, then disappear.

And N will be just like J.

Just the way you are

2010-08-10T23:56:00.002+08:00

Oh her eyes her eyes
make the stars look like they're not shinin
Her hair her hair
falls perfectly without her trying
Shes so beautiful
And I tell her everyday

Yeah, I know I know
when I compliment her, she wont believe me
And it's so it's so
sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look okay, I say

When I see your face
there's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are

And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
'Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her lips her lips
I could kiss them all day if she let me
Her laugh her laugh
She hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday

Oh you know you know you know
I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for
then just stay the same
So don't even bother asking if you look ok
You know I'll say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause ur amazing
Just the way you are

And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
'Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are.

This song is beautiful - complete, adoring love. Every imperfection becomes a perfection. Is not everyone looking for complete acceptance?

This is why hearing this song today makes me feel a little sad..

Starry Eyed Surprise

2010-08-09T22:37:00.002+08:00

Life is pretty colourful. Everyday is something new, everyday is something different, everyday is a learning experience.

Some things that have been brewing in my mind the last few days (since Sunday's sermon) are:

1. Questions draw people out. Good listenners ask questions.
2. In each of our subconscious 'people-value' scales that range from 0 to 10, treat everybody like a 10. Treat everybody like you would treat your favourite friend.

Anyway, just a little pictoral update of what I have been up to lately...

29th July: Rowena's 21st birthday party. Theme was to do with hair. Therefore, my hair was a toxic mass of normal hair gel, coloured hair gel and hair spray. I am surprised my hair didn't all fall off; I was walking around town in the day with Oscar.

5th July: Tai-an's 19th birthday party at Costa Sands Resort (Pasir Ris). There was so much food, and much blabber that night! It was great to hang out with them.

8th August: Jac & Reagan's wedding at Hilton Hotel! I am so immensely happy for them; without Reagan & Jac's friendship, I probably wouldn't be who I am today. I still remember Reagan's efforts to meet up with me; from lunches during my work period, to random phone calls. I remember Jac's friendliness & open-ness to share with me, as well as to continuously asking me about my own life. Really wish them a life full of bliss & happiness together, of learning to love each other more & more!

9th August: Met up with Yunwei & Vithiya to get Simin's presents! (I doubt she reads my blog, so this is okay, hahah) Can't wait for our sleepover on Friday night! :)

Okay, I better get back to my readings. I have been procrastinating like mad. CIAO!

verse

2010-08-03T01:25:00.002+08:00

Just a verse that I read & really enjoyed during QT today,

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord,
And He delights in his way.
Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down;
For the Lord upholds him with His hand."

- Psalm 37:23-24 (NKJV)